Reposting from don't know when

What makes me think I'm special?
I am over thirty and still can crack up about it.
I am beyond bounderies within me
I am able to chew gum and yet I get words out right
I am powerful and I can prove it
I can be whoever I want to in my night and daydreams
I can meet whoever I want to as well
I am not sophisticated though
Sophistication kills any type of magic
I delete anger and do not hold grudges
I would pull the trigger but I am not so sure I'd hit the bull's eye
I am such a complicated earthling that not even I restrain me
I can spit or swallow as long as it won't poison me
I am aware of my potential of editing and putting together only the worthwhile of this life
I am an euphemism for dissection
I am barbaric in the bathroom
I gulp vodka as if it were water
I fold clothes like monkeys and humanize like any mammal could do
I copy creatively. I cry non-...
I am not a weirdo - "Believe me" - I just suffer from overcast delusions
I am pretty normal if you really get to know me inside out.

by Laila Chris

family

INTROSPECTION

That's how depression started.
from May 24, 2008 by Ms Burden

Well, it all started on January 29th, 1976. It was on a Thursday. I decided to leave my mother's womb at 10:30 in the morning. January is the hottest month of year in Brazil and that may explain why I loathe summer time. I lived in my hometown (a tiny little town in Sao Paulo State) until I became 16. On my 17th birthday, I had my own apartment in Sao Paulo City (rented, of course), no telephone, no microwave, a roommate to share the expenses, and more serious business to do: get prepared to pass VESTIBULAR -- a selective test to get to enroll in Brazilian colleges. I lived in Liberdade and studied at Etapa. Although I was living in Sao Paulo, I did not want to take colleges there. My ultimate dream school was UFPR - Universidade Federal do Parana. I tried Vestibular there twice. I failed there twice.

Mom found out about UEL - State University of Londrina. It's a pretty nice school in Parana State, and tuition free. All public colleges and universities in Brazil are free to attend. The only massive problem about them is that it gets way difficult to pass their selective tests because everyone wants to enroll in those kind of schools. I never wanted to study there though. I had never heard of Londrina. I knew it was far from my family's town but that was that. Roberto, my husband now and my boyfriend at that time (1993), decided to sign up for UEL and try out its vestibular. I said "Fine. Let's give it a shot!" We both passed vestibular there in 3rd place ranking in our careers. We were both 18 years of age, living far from our parents, attending a free college which meant no need to study and work at the same time coz our parents were able to afford housing and books. We lived in Londrina from 1994 to 1997, when we both graduated with wonderful GPAs. I still can't believe I did not get pregnant during that time. LOL

Four years passed by utterly fast. This is Brazil: people with no degrees have quite hard time to get jobs and people with degrees have hard time to find descent paying work which should make up for the investiment you have with college strives. Even with free colleges there are bills to pay. Roberto and I were not very lucky with our job huntings. Plus, I was so damn sure about my newest career: UNDECLARED. I majored in journalism at UEL. I have always loved writing and all. It's no wonder I have written in blogs for so long. However, being a journalist is much more than just write. Journalism deals with tragedies mostly. I know there is the entertainment, sports, or tourism focused journalism that I could have given them a try... but... I simply couldn't and still can't imagine myself spending every day writing what I am told to. Somehow, I just didn't think I was the type.

Moving out of the country seemed the best solution for my issues. There, I could go after another college degree and maybe finally get a well paying job. As my parents are both ESL teachers and they were kind enough to sponsor an entire year of abroad studies for me, they themselves suggested me The Sunshine State - Florida - in the USA. They had already taken an ESL program at Eckerd College in Saint Petersburg, FL, and they both had fallen in love with this place. Mom and dad were certain that I would get to love it too. And they were right. Parents know best. Roberto and I spent 4 years and a half in Pinellas County (1998 - 2002). He studied Business Administration at Florida Metropolitan University. I studied at Saint Petersburg College, majoring in Creative Writing. There, I worked as babysitter, bus girl, restaurant hostess, restaurant cashier, and marketing associate in a big corporate business. As you can see, I have never worked as a journalist.

I graduated in July 2002. Three months later, we were back in Brazil. In here, we had to start our lives over.

My parents played their important role here one more time: giving out the right advice. They suggested us setting up a kind of business they've been pretty familiar with - a language school. In this country there are tons of franchising language schools to choose from. We ventured a nationally known school which would not cost that much to get started. Those kinds of business are usually more successful when they are opened far from big cities or metropolitan centers. That is when Rio Grande do Sul state came up to us. It is the southernmost state in Brazil. It is cold, charming, near two other countries: Uruguay and Argentina. Here, people love barbecue, fondue, chocolate, and let's not forget the WINE. The best Brazilian wines are made here, exactly where we've decided to settle down. What could I ever ask for more?

There are pros and cons about being far from everyone we know and everything which once were ours. The good thing is that I discover new stuff about my inner self every day. The worst is that that sort of discovery gets me too involved and tortured in my existing reality which I actually build in the back of my mind. It's not much different from losing the track of things. My life is being a parallel of working too hard while waiting for the beer to cool down or giving the best of myself in classrooms while getting the worst parents' comments... or the parallel of not knowing what I'm doing while being the best professional I could ever be.

That's how it all started.
.

I've been thinking: "19 years together... Roberto has a great deal of patience."

Today it has been 19 years that Roberto and I are together. We have been dating longer than living single or apart. Roberto is strong, sweet and tough at the same time. I learn from him many things each day. He's powerful and a goal-getter. I owe him so much. I owe him more than anyone can possibly imagine.

Miss my old camera!

new camera... my old desk

LEMME INTRODUCE YOU A GROWN-UP "PANCHO VILLA"

Next month, he'll be one year old! Tibby does not love HIM like we do, but oh well...

Finally hubby got me a new photo camera... Nice!

Teacher Laila and Sophie - first picture from my brand brand brand new camera

A Poem By Me. Long Time No see.

It’s been nothing else, but fear

Is there still some hope?

Is there any possibility of changes…

My heart, aching and my back, bouncing…

Scattered memories hold my fingers

A dark cloud with no silver lining

Pores, scars, dirt

Worm, veins, and rotten feelings

I’m a black hole

Filled with pus

I’m a cancer, a brain tumor

No words to describe

What and how worse can this get?

Focus on duty

Locus is nowhere

That’s a way to get over this.

Will I ever be free again?

Will I ever be me?

by Laila Chris

I'm striking poses with the Thursday group...

PHOTOS BY JULIO SOARES/OBJETIVA

Love these kiddos

My Wednesday group students

We took this photo while saying good bye to Georgia. She's leaving for America and she's gonna rock there! Btw, Georgia is the second one sitting at the top row from the right. WE LOVE YOU

And there's Laila amongst journalists and public relations in town. It was a nice night of debates.

Aug. 9th 1969 - what a bad day for Sharon and for all of us!

Picture by Aline from Saturday's lunch

long hair... long time no see huahauhauhau

Finally something published in my own language... Nice poem down here!

"Sou um bicho de cabelo cansado
de ser lavado todos os dias
Da necessidade de reciclagem
Na cabeça e na alma vazia.

Um bicho cansado das próprias necessidades
Da distância entre o possível e os ideais
Das amizades mantidas por trocas
Das verdades irreais.

Do mesmo rosto,da mesma raça.
Um bicho fino e cru
Quase morto,mórbido e faminto
Que precisa urgentemente
Ir à caça."

Clara Cuevas

Immaculate Machine - C'mon Sea Legs

I grew up with TV lunch/dinner platters

I have just figured out that I grew up on those TV platters which are very unusual in our Brazilian culture. Maybe nowadays it is common to find them here but before... I doubt it. I found that out through the internet and thanks to it I have realized this is an important part of my personal history. When my dad first went to Florida, to be a tour guide at Disney in 1975, when they opened up Disney parks in Florida, dad had already been "expecting" a baby (myself). I would be born a few months later. He bought a TV dinner plate for his yet-to-be-born baby from Cape Canaveral. It was his little something something gift to his future daughter. And I loved it. I used that plate for my meals til I was 7. And later on, he bought me other plates from Epcot Center or other parks. Mom and dad used to be tour guides in those Floridian Disney Parks. It became a tradition for them to bring me "regalos" - I love to use the little Spanish I picked up when I lived in Saint Pete - and these plates were one of my favorite presents. These plates made a so very important part of my childhood and we could never find them in Brazil. That was/is/and has been really great to find this out. I simply love the Internet ;-D
ps: These dishes look like those Japanese Bento Boxes but my meal contents were way less healthy.

Reposting from Winter/2005

My woolen sweater is not going to be enough to protect me from cold this year. Winter has recently arrived in this part of the planet (the southern hemisphere) and it has already been freezing. Even though Brazil is a tropical country, the southernmost part of this nation has a different climate: pretty damp, very foggy throughout the year, and the temperature often drops down to below zero. It even snows in some places where snowy weather has become one-of-a-kind touristic attraction. I get easily amazed by snowy views.

My warm stockings aren't going to help much this time according to the weather forecasters. They keep saying that 2005 winter will be one of the toughest with harsh cold winds. Well, I certainly need to get my scarfs washed, fireplace fixed, and double my wine stock in the house cellar. I love winter, especially the lowest temperatures, my mood gets so much better during this season. It is just perfect for having pasta dishes, fondue, boiled pinhão (pine nuts), hot chocolate, and staying in bed watching psycho-thrillers under blankets and holding a glass of a fine pinot noir. I know, I know, I know that this may sound strange since Brazil is a tropical country and blah blah blah... Most of my acquaintances from here think I am mad just because I enjoy getting the thrills from winter. I collect only nice memories during this season - no one can ever explain this. Let me illustrate what I am saying by telling you about my own experience of seeing "snow" for the very first time. That snowy landscape made my mind spin.

That was in Chicago in January 2000. I had left an airplane at the O'Hare Airport before taking another domestic flight heading south of the USA. The pilot welcomed the foreigners by announcing the local temperature: -35°C. I had exact one hour and a half for the connection: including passing through the INS and customs, and reaching the right gate for the new flight.


Chicago Airport is huge and there there is this breathtaking 'horizontal escalator' (don't know the right name of that) with dazzling lights all over the places and psychodelic tunes that one can listen to while riding on that, and most of the walls are glass made... In short, I needed to go across that area on that sorta "escalator" in order to find the monorail station. I felt like being part of a sci-fi movie of the 70's (Star Trek-like). In less than 5 minutes I was there, standing at the station. I turned around waiting the monorail and that is what I saw: snow flakes falling gloomily covering cars and turning everything that could have been seen plain white.

The monorail crosses the entire airport parking lot which is outdoors. The station I was supposed to get off was only fifteen minutes ride. As I had over one hour to get through the connection, I decided to stay in the wagon and stare constinuously at those cars covered by that white fluffy snow. My deep wish was to be able to leave the O'Hare Airport and walk on the city sidewalks, and play with it. The so-called harshness of a strong winter was never felt by me. On the other hand, that view caught my attention so bad that I felt like not moving at all from the shuttle. I kept there going back and forth, passing by the station I was supposed to get off two, three, four times. My mind got astonished by the beauty of that whiteness.


My one-and-a-half-hour interval to switch airplanes, all of a sudden, turned into a snap of fingers. I had no wristwatch on me so I asked the time from a gentleman sitting next to me. He kindly answered and my reaction went: "Oh my goodness! What am I gonna do now?" My next flight was going to take off within ten minutes... No, no, no, I did not miss that flight. I ran. I ran for my life. I ran like a fat kid would do if he were caught red-handed at a candy store. I ran. I truly ran. I ran but I did not break a sweat - another good thing from winter.

What a jolt!

Either BRAZIL winning or losing, I will always find an excuse to drink. That is the best thing about soccer parties. I am rooting for URUGUAY now.
GO FOR THE TROPHEY URUGUAY TEAM!

6:13 am... Not sleepy! BORED! Messy eyebrows... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

And the most amazing thing: NO MAKE UP ON MY FACE! I love the dark LOL