Friday, September 23, 2005

reading beckett... not talking, just whispering

I can get a great time by reading Beckett's works. I've found this stupendous description about his writings and for that I just felt like registering them here. Nothing meaningful to my blog. Nothing related to my day... It is only something which is incredible to read and so, let me publish it here!

The farther he goes the more good it does me. I don't want philosophies, tracts, dogmas, creeds, ways out, truths, answers, nothing from the bargain basement. He is the most courageous, remorseless writer going and the more he grinds my nose in the shit the more I am grateful to him. He's not f---ing me about, he's not leading me up any garden path, he's not slipping me a wink, he's not flogging me a remedy or a path or a revelation or a basinful of breadcrumbs, he's not selling me anything I don't want to buy — he doesn't give a bollock whether I buy or not — he hasn't got his hand over his heart. Well, I'll buy his goods, hook, line and sinker, because he leaves no stone unturned and no maggot lonely. He brings forth a body of beauty. His work is beautiful. (by Pinter)

Curiosity fact: I have tried hard not to "msn" that often. I can't quit checking my Orkut page daily. I've not drunk that much coffee like I used to. My ULCER has showed up this week therefore I must cut down on spicy food. Shiiiit - no kebabs for me for a while [;-(]. And my V O I C E???? Man... My voice... My voice is so hoarse these days that I sound worse than Courtney Love after jail. I am having a real hard time to teach because of that. I have to see a speech pathologist ASAP. I need to get focus on my health and on my duties. Frankly writing, I can see and feel improvements regardless.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Holiday is finally happening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been working around 15 hours a day since three weeks ago. It'll be like that for one more week. I am overwhelmed, stressed out, and losing hair. Tuesday is an official local holiday here and so, Monday I won't need to work. It is more than a blessing to me... Relief. Two days off!!!!!!!!!! As a matter of fact, it'll be three days off if we add Sunday!!!! :D Yeah! It may seem a lot or maybe it doesn't. I just know that since Easter, I haven't had that much time for relaxing and resting - except on those religiously Sundays off!

SUNDAY-MONDAY-TUESDAY all for myself. I wish I knew how to manage these days to invigorate my body and mind. I plan to take walks downtown, sit at a street bar, and order the best Brazilian pilsner beer while watching pedestrians getting around holding shopping bags, and crying children following their fast mothers walking along sidewalks. I should say that I'll try to do that if the weather really changes. It has been raining here for three weeks. My skin color is already getting a greenish shade because of the excess of humidity... Gosh, I am turning into a Hulk?!?!?

Another good stop will be at the book fair. There are great book stands in the central square that are worth visiting. Well, I do want to go there if the weather here helps! I intend to purchase an English idiom dictionary and two or three novels in Spanish. I haven't read books in that language for a while. Will I buy books in Portuguese too? It's possible in case I run into ones with good prices. Books and magazines are expensive buys in Brazil - never understood why.

Well, basically everything is expensive to get around here. That is why we have so many robberies and thefts. Talking about those, three nights ago, there was an attempt of breaking in someone's car right in front of my place. It wasn't so late and the guys were wearing masks. A lot scary, I must say. I have been victim of burglary myself. Back in 2002, two or three folks entered our garage and stole my husband's car radio. We've been both robbed on the streets having people pointing guns or sharp knives straight to our faces. That is not like "OH GOSH - SHE LIVES IN HELL"... However, we have to take many precautions to live free from fears in Brazil.

On Monday, I would like to go shopping for clothes. he! he! he! That even makes me laugh. Me? Buying clothes? I simply hate shopping and completely despise trying on new outfits. Some of my students call me 'weird' because it can not be possible being a woman and not enjoying clothes or shoes. Sometimes, I wonder that myself... COME ON!?!?!? How can a human being find some fun in crowded mall stores, getting naked in cold tinny little dressing rooms where mirrors that deform our bodies are hanging on the wall? Let's not forget the small sized doors that allow others to see your feet or the top of people's heads... How can that be appealing??? Anyhow, I'll spend some time at those stores because I must get new things to wear.

I will watch three movies. I will drink wine. I will eat at my favorite places in town. I will blog - doing it right now. I will MSN a lot since I am gonna take a break from it in three days. I will ORKUT. I won't be Yahoogrouping - i've already given that up. I will make some home cooking. I will stand for hours under a hot shower. I will call some friends. I hope to have friends calling me as well. I'll clear away the mess in the kitchen and in the living room. I'll finish a book which I have been reading for decades. I'll make a clean copy of a letter that it should be sent to a friend. I'll check my e-mails. Or... I may end up doing none of those things mentioned above. I'll just prostrate in bed waiting for the time when the rain will give us a break.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

don't give a damn...

For a while, I have turned my blog into a photo-blog and I don't give a damn about it... No!!! No, I haven't quit writing. I had just not felt well enough to spread the words here for you guys to read until today. After about a month not publishing anything in here, I took the decision to gather some words in order to release an obnoxious flame that has been burning and soring my heart. I hope these words will come out right and fit properly to what I've been going through.

This may not be a real problem. In fact, I do believe it is not a problem at all. It is a flame, as I've just said. In reality, It is an issue that I've dealt since I was expected to behave like a grownup. Don't know whether being a spoiled kid made me have a weak control over my speaking thoughts. Many times I say what crosses my mind. Very often, I splurge the words not knowing the consequences of them. After saying them aloud, I can't get a decent sleep over. I regret so hard afterwards. What scares me the most is that even knowing the consequences sometimes, I say them anyway. I hurt, I blow, I affect, and I know.

But worse than that is not having the guts to act or behave the way in which my words speak for me. I am just a person full of words, issues, and projects. Some even say that MY words are powerful. They fill the emptiness and turn whatever is hollow into PLENTY. Maybe they are powerful to move others but they are not helping me much. My words seem to depict a wrong picture of me. For instance, I am NO powerful at all. I'm a chicken shit loaded with dreams.

I've not grown up YET. I haven't been able to come up with my own decisions anymore. I haven't felt strong enough to take my own paths like I used to. I have not been capable to keep myself away from fears. Well, this whole situation has not been EASY...

Some changes will be made in my lifestyle so that I can put out this flame once and for all:

  • Firstly, I need to take a break from MSN MESSENGER and ORKUT things for a little while. It's getting overwhelming and I've not been able to write these days just because of those addictive shits.
  • Then, I need to read. Reading helps me write better. MSN and other internet activities of mine are demanding time from me and stealing my creativity away.
  • I need to listen to music more.
  • I need to take walks more often.
  • I need to watch movies.
  • I need to go to the movies.
  • I need to play with TIBBY - well that i do all the time.
  • I need to study languages more. I'm glad that at least I got back on my German studies. I'm a language teacher for crying out loud. It is more than required to keep my English knowledge fresh and updated.
  • I need to handwrite my thoughts.
  • I must concretely start working on my trip to GERMANY. I am planning to spend a month there so that I can finally study the language in a German spoken place! This thing demands time... And staying online this much is delaying this PROJECT.
  • And lastly, I need to post my words here more often. Even contradicting a little, blogging is part of my writing practice and I can't stop doing it for any reason in this world!!!

Hopefully after these changes that flame will quit burning soon... and my heart will then be healed.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Stolen Words


"My mind is more shallow, at the moment, than a thimble half full of water. I am beyond comprehension, analysis and reason. I am not understanding everything that is ripping through my mind. I don’t want to. My mind is on discharge. Secreting the garble of the last few days. Empting itself of clutter. Making way for new thoughts and ideas. A purging of the unnecessary, and a freeing of space for the indispensable."
by
Fineartist

Is it the end of it all?

A bit of imagination I can’t push the knife in I can’t make the cut I can’t turn the wheel I can’t step off the kerb I can’t take the p...