Wednesday, December 26, 2007


Thought of you as a bird
Or a little fragile cub
Thought of you as a cold breeze
Or blue as heavy rain
Thought of as a fraction of a second
You are all that and more…

Thought of your pictures as masterpieces
Photographs with rhythms
Thought of your pale hands holding the camera
Never thought of you as being brighter than the flash
Though wrong thoughts cross our mind every now and then

Your fuzzy lines
They’re exquisite
You shine
You sign

Thought of you as a fresh loaf of bread
As soft as molten snow
You are the seed of an endangered flower
Something that doesn’t happen every day
Someone one simply doesn’t let go away

Your art is direct
Nobel yearning for affection
Acceptance

Thought of you as the trace of human existence
Clear calm thunderstorms
Silent smooth earthquakes
The lenses seemed to be place backwards
The furiousness isn’t detached from kindness

There is no boredom
There are only impressions
There are no vague linear images
There is only intelligible beauty

If I could see them that way,
That means someone else could too.
That means, his eyebrows would elevate in awe
Because no matter what you say or do
It’s being made! Love is there!

You must realize the other side
You must see through the other person’s eyes
You should know that there are more than photographs saying: “Register me”

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Christmas without christmas tree

I appreciated this year. I know it ain't over yet but it is December now, holiday seasons are happening so it feels perfect to write about things like new year's resolution, bloopers of 2007, family, friend, and co-worker´s fights and end-of-the-year get-togethers. The list is endless. Not only it is the right time for these thoughts but also it is the time to restart writing on this blog. Since my last two months got me so overwhelmed, I was totally not able to sit and type. And even if I did, it would come out a bunch of complaints, nuissence, disappointments, rants after more rants. I believe I am getting calmer and calmer each day, therefore today is the day to blog. That does not mean I won't vent... You'll see...


I write things here because it is way harder to blurt out words through conversations. Writing under a pseudo "Ms Burden" has given me more privacy to leave words that I would not dare to say aloud. This blog has existed since October 2004 and since then many things have occurred in my life and some of them were mentioned here in some way. This spot was never intended to be an outlet for my deepest feelings, in fact when I first started writing THE PAWNSHOP I was expecting to set a place where I could register my literary projects which didn't happen. It turned out something quite different. It became the residence of my alter ego but only for the happy side of me. I wanted my online personality to be who I wished I were in real life: normal sad procrastinator. I never wanted any readers to know about my weakness. Therefore when I had typed about gloomy feelings, I'd have blamed on others for them.


And I know that if I am to be a sad left-out individual, the only responsible for it, the only one who has always promoted that was no one but me.


It wasn't much long ago when I had an online argument with my former collegemates. Through magic, I started receiving E-mails from a Yahoo-Group intended only to ex-collegemates which I used to be part of, but not anymore, and those E-mails would say about arranging a reunion to celebrate 10 years of our graduation. I hate reunions. I dislike meeting people whom I was never connected to and as we are older and living apart, now that we are grown-ups, we have to reunite and pretend we were good friends in the past. How cynical! I got pissed off for many reasons but the most important one was that I could never partake these get-togethers because they are always scheduled at those times of the year when a regular Brazilian teacher is at WORK. I do have vacation but vacation for me is never vacation for journalists, I guess. Yep, I majored in journalism. My mates are all journalists and I ended up doing something else.


And so I vented my anger by writing them only one E-mail in which I mentioned hyprocrisy, selfishness, stupidity and some other words that may have been a lot harsher than those I latter wrote. I was glad that I had talked about it then. I got more than glad that no matter how low I was feeling, and how upset I am still, I had to write those words in a very sincere style. Some former mates felt attacked as if I had typed that E-mail in order to point out certain people's behavior but I wasn't in fact disappointed at them or at any especial person in that matter. I was mad at the REUNION thing. Why reuniting? Why bringing back times that weren't much pleasant for me? I know this is a selfish thought. I can't help it! My mistake was not being able to connect to those folks while attending college, my mistake was to study in college what I would never become - a journalist. Taking journalism always made me feel a total stranger. Who would have thought that such a simple choice of major would mess up with my future? I have always wanted to write for crying out loud. I've always wished to have a book published but never wished to break news. That is why I started this webblog. Here I can find the right support. Here, I can write to these 'journalist' people without being punished or mistreated and... I will: JOURNOS SUCK!


I haven't mentioned some other disappointments regarding my family and co-workers, but that would result in another post because this one is already getting my mind numb. My co-workers are doing their best and I cannot block this fact. And my family... well... I know my family has always supported all my dreams. They are forever there for me, but what I didn't mention is that I also have a few friends and a wonderful husband who would do - and have done - anything to help me out in hard times. I know it was way selfish of me having written about such strong and upsetting feelings towards my former collegemates when I know that some of them were really nice with me during college years. We shared love, help, and care throughout those years. Especially Juliana De Mari who is now doing something else (she is definitely NOT a journalist) in some lost village in France, some place near Lion. We are going to see each other some time soon, either here or there. Read this Ju: "I miss you Juliana. I don't want to make you cry, you've been the bestest best friend anyone could ever ask for and I love you."


Throughout this year, I've had TERRIFIC TIMES, but also fights, misunderstandings, disappointments, just like last year and the other and the other... 2007 was/ has been great, regardless. I'll continue writing my story in this blogspot in 2008, 2009... as long as Blogger authorizes me to. Well, I do have great expectations for next year. I wish to make more friends in 2008. I can't be around Juliana as she's been living way far from me. So, I wish I could meet a friend whom I will go out with. It could be a person or a bunch of people who would help me out when I need it, or say kind words of support, or be understanding at all times. I wish to learn more about being an individual and writing about being this individual. We all are sick, mental, frustrated, and limited beings if we allow this to be true.


I appreciated this year.

Is it the end of it all?

A bit of imagination I can’t push the knife in I can’t make the cut I can’t turn the wheel I can’t step off the kerb I can’t take the p...