Sunday, May 29, 2011

Reality is a question
of realizing how real
the world is already.
Time is Eternity,
ultimate and immovable;
everyone's an angel.

It's Heaven's mystery
of changing perfection :
absolute Eternity

changes! Cars are always
going down the street,
lamps go off and on.

It's a great flat plain;
we can see everything
on top of a table.

Clams open on the table,
lambs are eaten by worms
on the plain. The motion

of change is beautiful,
as well as form called
in and out of being.

Next : to distinguish process
in its particularity with
an eye to the initiation

of gratifying new changes
desired in the real world.
Here we're overwhelmed

with such unpleasant detail
we dream again of Heaven.
For the world is a mountain

of shit : if it's going to
be moved at all, it's got
to be taken by handfuls.

Man lives like the unhappy
whore on River Street who
in her Eternity gets only

a couple of bucks and a lot
of snide remarks in return
for seeking physical love

the best way she knows how,
never really heard of a glad
job or joyous marriage or

a difference in the heart :
or thinks it isn't for her,
which is her worst misery.

by Allen Ginsberg

Leaving the building for Gramado

MOV03059 a video by hopeburden on Flickr.

...i got a secret but i can't tell you...


And I need
to close this window,
But I, I can't escape
I need to undo stuff,
But I, I am afraid of regretting that
I need to print stuff out,
But I, I can't double right click
My toner is empty and there is paper jammed
And I need to sleep,
But I'm running out of pills
I need to do the dishes,
But I, I can't find stamina
I need to have a hot soothing bath,
But I, I have no bathtubs and that is so sad
I need to find me,
But I, I did not order a myself guide at  the book shop this morning
I need to breath in and out more deeply,
I need to buy this place,
And I, I am foccused that this is happening soon
I need to enjoy my life to the fullest
But I, I can't find time, people, and interesting places to do so
I need to end up this crappy piece of thoughts,
But there is something telling me
that I haven't even started it yet

by Laila Chris

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Paulo Leminski's grave lies in my womb


by Paulo Leminski

This language isn't mine.
It's plain as day.
When meaning goes away,
the word stays behind.
Maybe I'm just lying.
Or am I lying truth?
So I say myself - just,
Maybe - I can barely say.
This isn't my tongue.
The language I speak mutes
a distant song,
the voice, beyond, not a word.
The dialect you utilize
on the left bank of the phrase,
that's what does it, lusifies
me, half, maybe, inside.


Came the hard way down
the neverending line,
line striking stone,
word kickin round the corner,
tiny empty line,
a line a life, entire,
word, word of mine.

nothing the sun
can’t speak
all the moon
more chic
no rain fades
this flower


one of these days i wanna be
a great english poet
of the last century
o sky o sea o folk o destiny
fight in india, 1866,
disappear in a clandestine shipwreck


put me out
thin me down
chop me up
after me
after us
after everything
nothing’s left
but the charm


between external duty
and eternal doubt
my commercial
heart goes


a crazy mutt
we really should kill him
with sticks and rocks
at the stake with one shot
or else he’s likely
the little prick
to piss all over
our picnic


a poem
not gotten
is worthy of note
of a drifting boat


back then
we were gonna be homer
the work an iliad no less
but then
it got a little harder
we’d settle for a Rimbaud
an Ungaretti a Fernando any old Pessoa
a Lorca an Eluard a Ginsberg
and then
the provincial poeticule
we always were
behind so many masks
time treated as flowers


as if i were julio plaza
of pure perception
be critique
of reason


two village idiots
one spends his days
kicking lampposts to see if they’ll turn on
the other his nights
rubbing words
off white paper
every village has an idiot
it treats with sympathy
in a little while i know
they’ll be treating me


i never wanted to be
a good customer
asking for this or that
red wine
hasta la vista
i wanted to go in
both feet planted
on the doorman’s chest
telling the mirror
- shut up
and the clock
- hands down


a good poem
takes years:
five playing soccer,
five more studying sanskrit,
six carrying stones,
nine falling for your neighbor,
seven taking a beating,
four going it alone,
three changing cities,
ten changing the subject,
an eternity, me and you
along together


Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Unusual things that have been happening to me lately

- It has been over a month I am sober.

- It has been a month I've been taking prescribed meds.

- I had a panic attack crisis a month ago that led me to the hospital. Bad times!

- I will be soon in Florida back again. Orlando and Miami. I depart on July 10th. Can't wait for it. I am going there to chaperon 60 kids who will be taking an English course offered by Walt Disney Resort. Even with all the hard work, I still believe I'll have a wonderful time in Orlando parks. It'll be only for 15 days, though. Nuff said.

- Valentine's day in Brazil is celebrated on June 12th, so on the 11th there will be a gig of a local band at this nicest pub here. Guess what? I'll be singing a few songs along in front of an audience. I am freaking scared, but I know it is going to turn out fine, hopefully.

- I paid off my end-of-the-year trip to the USA. That is another great accomplishment.

- Tomorrow, hubby and I are spending a local holiday in a cottage in Gramado. Beto splurging on "romantic" endeavors is quite unusual.

- I am finally going to get to know SAN FRANCISCO (Oh man!). I am excited about Los Angeles and San Diego too. I am not expecting much from Vegas, except the wedding, of course.

- I proposed to Roberto instead. I am glad he said "YES".

- I will start taking pilates and Flamenco lessons. When? That is still in the air. And my therapist wants to see me twice a week. My mind hides more stuff that I can possibly imagine.

- I restarted taking Chinese with a fantastic teacher, unfortunately she had to go back temporarily to Taiwan (where she is from.) In June, we will return to our private classes.

- I am so in love with Spanish. I study it on Thursdays afternoons with teacher Sarah, from Madrid and on Saturdays evenings with teacher Vilma, from Brazil, who learned the language in Alicante, Spain.

- The best thing that will happen to me next year: Grand Canyon will know me. OMG!

- It is fall here but the temperatures are already freezing however I call it "SPRING CLEANING" anyway. I started getting  more organized, neat, and concerned with my personal belongings. I haven't finished it yet. There are still things to get done. But I know I will get there before winter begins.

- I've been seeing a pychiatrist besides my usual therapist, and more medical specialists. I know that is sad but seeing doctors and getting exams done are unusual things for me. I fear hospitals, clinics, and don't get started on nurses. And how come doctors have to be so arrogant? I don't get that.

- The most unusual thing of all is Laila blogging again.

Sunday, May 1, 2011


I received through e-mail, for the second time, a personal questionnaire from Marcele. "Marcele, I just now realized that I wrote your name incorrectly in that post I'd dedicated to you." The idea is to reply the email by listing our own personal answers. Some of my responses may shock you, Marcele. But y'know, it's been a long time we haven't met. But we have not changed that much. You'll get over this. We always get used to new things... hihihi

1. What is your full name? Laila Christina de Bragança Cavallera Onasis von Murdoc.

2. What color pants are you wearing? Light brown, it's made of jeans and stretch. I love the pockets of these pants.

3. What are you listening to right now? German Beer drinking songs - Ja, ja, ja das ist wahr!!!It's a CD that a student of mine bought at an Oktober Fest!

4. What was the last thing you ate? A chocolate barr.

5. Do you wish on stars? Nah!

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Red. Love red. It's not my faaaaaavorite color, but it coats well.

7. How is the weather right now? Damp, a little cold, and foggy - not a typical day at this time of the year.

8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? To the mother of a student.

9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Marcele has sent me this me-me-me list of questions. I've posted here, just scroll down this page, a text that simply says it all about this lady. What else can I say? I simply love her!

10. Favorite drink? "Red" wine.

11. Favorite sport to play? Sumo Wrestling. I nail it.

12. Hair color? Dark Brown.

13. Weight and height? 1m 63cm, 60 kilograms.

14. Siblings? Jennifer, 25 and Fernanda, 22.

15. Favorite month? January - it's my birthday month and the birthday month of many people I love and care.

16. Favorite food? SALMON - raw, grilled, broilled, fried, roasted... SIMPLY SO GOOOOOD

17. What was the last movie you saw? Donnie Darko - for the fifth time!

18. Favorite day of the year? October 31st - Halloween!

19. What do you do to vent anger? I cry/ I write/ I draw/ I cook/I study/ I email friends/I clean/I mess/I blog/

20. What was your favorite toy as a child? An old red Remington Typewriter.

21. Summer or winter? WINTER

22. Hugs or kisses? Both.

24. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? Wth? I'm posting my answers in my blog... HIHIHIHI

25. Who is most likely to respond? No one, since I am not sending the answers to anyone. I've done it before - about a year ago in fact.

26. Who is least likely to respond? I have no clue (I'll keep Marcele's answer).

27. When was the last time you cried? Yesterday. I cried but right then I was kissed and comforted.

29. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Lu, or Luciana. I´ve known her since we didn't know what alcohol was.

30. What did you do last night? I watched a movie, had beer, and pizza.

31. What are you afraid of? Raising a monster as my kid.

32. Describe yourself in one word? FREAKINESS.

33. Favorite car? I ain't a good driver. Hate drivers in general. I don't pretty much care about cars.

34. What´s the thing you like doing the most in your life? Writing, teaching, cursing, studying, learning, scratching my ear canals with cotton swabs, reading, listening to others, eating, drinking, melting stuff, having the jitters from a creepy good psycho-thriller movie, and talking to the ones I care.

35. Favorite flower? I hate the sun, but I love Sunflowers.


37. Type of job? ESL teacher, writer, and translator.

38. Favorite day of the week? Mondays.

39. What did you do for your last birthday? I went to a nice restaurant with Roberto (my hubby).

40. How many states have you lived in? 1 in the US and 3 in Brazil.

41. How many cities have you lived in? 1 in the US and 4 in Brazil.

42. What do you collect? Pens. I have thousand of those: scented, glittered, colored, classical, kids-like, ballpointed... all kinds.

43. Favorite kind of music? Polka, Nordic Folk music, and Celtic.

44. If you could be someone else rather than yourself, who would you be? I'd be a male version of me... I'd be called Lailo and I wouldn't have pms... GREAT!

45. How many languages do you speak? Portuguese, English & Spanish. I've studied German for 5 years now and I also took two semesters of French back in college, but with not much headway.

46. What was your coolest trip ever? To New York City.

46. Most beautiful city: São Paulo, all the way.

47. Sexual symbol: Benício Del Toro.

48. Where will you spend your next vacations? Vacations... What is that? Can anyone gimme the definition of this word???

49. What are the places you´d like to visit one day? Marroco (Marrakesh), Mexico (Montrrey), the Amazon (Manaus), and Thailand (the entire country).

50. Describe the person who sent you this: Marcele is an angel to me. She's a totally free-spirit. She's a one-of-a-kind young lady. Marcele's smart, sweet, friendly, a complete human being! I simply love her and the fact that she's my greatest friend of all times!

I am gonna sing in public with a local band and I am so over excited about this

My office is a "Horder's Shrine"

...and I am so proud of it! Ha.🎉🎉🎉