PIZZA FRIDAY BLAST

Check out this photolog! It is Felipe's - my sweetest pupil. Blog readers, you will get to see a snapshot taken by me of a great ESL group of students from my school. I snapped that photo in the lounge two weeks ago. Pitty that many folks could not show up. "PIZZA FRIDAY" - that was the name of this cool day. We ended up having 12 different flavors of those. I even had pizzas leftover for the rest of that weekend. I'll post the pizza shots next time. What is the coolest thing is the card they're all holding. That is an ID-card from our school granted to them exclusively on that day which gave them a password to access our brand-new on-line English pronunciation laboratory. We were so having fun that day!!!

Paying homage to this beautiful lady:

This one is to you... ... ....

Marcele , you are a cute girl... "cute" is too shallow, you deserve greater and better word. You are simply gorgeous. Yeah, blog readers, she's gorgeous. She's astonishing in her outter and inner beauties. I love this young lady. I may be sounding like Sassy who wrote a post about her great friend Liza (or LiSa... dunno???) some weeks ago. I don't care if I seem to be imitating someone else's blog. In fact, Marcele has done it too. In her last post, she decided to write a few nice things about some weird folks - I was included in the list. Sure! Thanks, girl!!!!!!!!!!!

Marcele Aires Franceschini has been a great friend of mine for a long while. Our friendship grew during college years. Pitty that we live so far from one another. Although, the distance has never messed up with our connection. She's got this shiny aura, don't know exactly how to call, that sort of energy that glows on her from miles. She's a free-spirit pal who has the most powerful talent to develop and understand literature to its deepest surfaces. Her imaginative mind has inspired me a whole lot. I just can't believe she called me a "philosopher"... That was wildly great!!!

Like you did to me on your own blog, I also copied and pasted here a picture of you from ORKUT ...And not only that... I'll publish here my very first passage of a post in our mother language. That was my response to a topic in your community about the movie "Last Tango in Paris". The topic we were discussing was about those invisible "bridges" that connect souls, people's lives... You know, those crazy thoughts about syncronized experiences and encounters of fate. This bridge that has connected us is made of concrete and poetry!

Sometimes our lives' bridges get to cross!...

"...Sei que está falando de amor; mas terá que admitir que amizades são essenciais para uma vida equilibrada. Lembra Mar, que te conheci pela primeira vez, de verdade mesmo, lá no vestiba da UNESP no final de 1992 em Presidente Prudente???? Te conheci pela Patrícia, com quem tinha feito cursinho em Londrina naquele ano! E ela... a Patrícia, acabou morando comigo em 1993 em São Paulo, para fazermos o cursinho do colégio ETAPA no bairro São Joaquim da capital paulista. Lembro-me tão bem de ti naquele dia de prova... Também, com essa sua luz que irradia até em sala escura de revelação de filme fotográfico!?!?!?! Você estava com uma saia enorme, estilo indiana, e usava óculos redondos com lentes azuis quase metálicas. Quem diria que em 1994 nossas pontes se cruzariam nas salas de aula da Universidade Estdadual de Londrina????? Quase tive um ataque porque te reconheci, mas não tinha certeza... Mas... Sim... Era você!!!!!!!! Sabe que sua amizade preencheu em cheio o vazio que a Pat deixou comigo! Depois que saí de Sampa, nunca mais nos falamos. Exceto pela troca de algumas humildes cartas no começo daquele ano fatídico para mim: 1994... HEHEHE!!!!! SMILE BABE!!!!! I am already having a blast with these words... Te adoro pra caralho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

Curiosity Fact: I can't agree more that I am f***ing weird. You are so RIGHT!!!!

Brill, Zest, and Fab

ADVERSARY

My rouser’s edge

Focusing on you

Dealing with you

Dealing with the adversity you bring

To me…

my loved ones,

my people,

my world…

Adversary

Source of all adversity

You are not my enemy

Without you

I could not relent

Without you

I could not grasp

My rouser’s edge

• By 'D.

...by my Pessoa

Fragile Little Sister

by Laila Chris

Little sister was never listened to. So she ran away. Went to a place where she thought good listeners would be there. Later on, finding out she was mistaken, little sister took a plane. Settled down in a distant land where no one would listen to her again, after all the local community did not even understand her mother tongue. Fragile little sister then decided to try once again, for the second time, to move away; so she packed, tied her hair all up, took a deep breath and jumped off of an airplane. The parachute luckily worked. Little sister landed on a deserted soil. This time she knew no one would listen to her because there there was not a trace of human existence. There, there were only her lungs. She yelled. Screamed to the top of her voice - no echoes whatsoever. She was again not being listened to... not even by herself... She then realized that running away in order to be listened to was not right. That was cowardness. Waste of time. She prayed to die. That was her only way-out, but nothing happened. In the end, little sister noticed that she wasn't being listened to because the others were in fact deaf. They would never listen to her even if they wanted to. God had made them deaf. God did NOT want her killed, so little sister cursed God. Since He could listen to her... since He was the only one who could listen to her... He made her deaf too!

...WORDING

Critics and Art
by Laila Chris

Creating is art
The art of creating shapes, shades, showcases
First language
Primal process

Critics interpretations
Second thought
Redundancy of over explanations

New information
Against exaggerations
Repetitive diagnosis
Higher amount of grotesque translations

Hate critics
When they don’t expand
When they don’t turn comprehensible
The things that are not that way

Creating a new process
The process of art making
Words on frames
Notes in chapters
Chords in conclusions

Reading response
Critics should evaluate
Criticism isn’t appraisal
No judgments of value
But measurements of merits

Critics are investigators
(A different sense of music,
painting,
or literature)
A critical study implies historical context
Social description, again not appraisal
(A different sense of music,
painting,
or literature)
Radically distant from judging wine, cigars, food, or Playboy magazines

A proposition
The embryo of philosophy of art
A theory, not a mere quarrel

Art as a human activity
Art as an essential practice:
Musical compositions,
Sculptures,
Poems,

Photographs,
Cathedrals,
Films,
Dramas,
Paintings…
Spontaneous expressions of emotional disturbances,
Craving beautiful things,
Fears, phobias, desiring mates,
A special form to contemplate nature

Critics’ role is indeed
Overcome those experiments,
Executions, (de)codifications, and meanings

Art consumers may address that
A third consumption
Aesthetics appreciation

Let us blog until our fingertips bleed...

According to a survey on a site of business technology, PERSEUS, there are about 5 billion blogs subscribed now. In 2005, 45 million have been started so far. 10 million blogs were created just during the first 4 months of this year. Following some math logics, by the end of 2005, the web will have stored 50 million new blogs. This non-stop growth in blogging is given to the easy process of acquiring one: fast steps, some clicks away, already-made templates, then "bam" - 'your blog has been published.'

Undoubtly, that is a huge number! There are many...no no no, too many blogs floating in the world wide web. Can all these spots really exist? How many bloggers would be posting right now simultaneously with me? What about readers? Do we have enough readers to compensate all the efforts for being here in front of a computer screen managing topics, tagging, uploading pictures, and doing whatever takes to have a post in the end? Who are these bloggers anyway?

The site survey states that most bloggers are female young students (51% - young male + female). They make use of this tool to post as many things as they wish, which are normally their daily school activities or any other personal fact. The posts will be read by their peers, fellow students, or family members; those are readers that the site calls "nanoaudiences." These young folks do not blog for a professional, religious, or any concrete purposes. A typical teen blogger will post twice a month about happenings in their lives by using a mix of lowercase and caps lock letters, overusing typos and abbreviations, and misspelling the words deliberately so they will appear the way they sound.

Right below them, there I am. ...Or better typing, there WE ARE (44% - male+female) -- since most of my readers fit in this group-- Blogging is a social phenomenon among young adults. Most adult bloggers are individuals under the age of 30. Women are majority here again. The reason female folks create more blogs is countless, but one thing is certain: male bloggers are more likely than female ones to abandon blogs. This is maybe because these spots are so easy to be created and free from charge mostly that there is a lack of commitment in keeping them updated. Only in my list of links located on the left of your screen, there are probably 8 or 9 dormant spots - three of them are mine.

Those 5 billion blogs do exist, however there are not as many bloggers posting as there are those spots. That means, many blogs are started but later on they are abandoned. Since there are so many non-active blogs, out of 5 billion subscriptions, 20 million only are actually in use - information based on that site I previously mentioned in this entry. So, there is a slight chance that 10 million people might be posting now. And yet, one million give up blogging a day, among these folks are Sassy, Kris, Bulb, Roberto, Lu, me... Let's get back on posting guys!!!

Let us blog more and more until our fingertips bleed...

...by Fernando Pessoa

I am the escaped one

I am the escaped one,
After I was born
They locked me up inside me
But I left.
My soul seeks me,
Through hills and valley,
I hope my soul
Never finds me.

Verão, tu cala a boca, ou te cago a pau!!!

About six months ago, I published here a post about Brazilian winter. We did have pretty harsh cold days for some time this year which made me think "this can't be Brazil!". It was awesome.

Being a continental country, it's no wonder to find chilly regions where one should drag down portable heaters or have it installed in each room of the house in order to survive through the season. I even mentioned about this to Bulb in one of our last chats and he got surprised. On his mind, according to his words, there was that stereotypical brazilian picture of a tropical land where girls would walk along with thongs and the sun would shine and heat up paradisiac beaches... something like we'd have summer throughout the year.

I must agree that summer lasts for 6 months in some parts of the nation, instead of 4 which is taught in geography classes. ...but what happens during the 6 remaining months? I can call it a 'slight summer'. The northernmost parts of Brazil do have warm temperatures throughout the year. For those who care for this kind of weather, that would be the best place to be. Not for me. Therefore I've chosen to live not too far from PATAGONIA.(he!he!he!)

To my opinion, the heat of the sun isn't much appealing. Not everyone I know around here will agree to me. It does not matter what the common sense says; I just don't see the beauty of the summer if I don't actually live by the beach. Even if I lived at the seashore, I have always worked so I would not have time to enjoy the water. I am saying this for a fact because I did live in a Floridian beach town for five years (98-2002) and I enjoyed the ocean maybe three times.

OK! So I don't have fun with beaches because I don't really like them. Summer does not suit me because sweating all over is not connected to pleasure according to my senses. High temperatures are not my cup of tea. I despise air conditioners and I am not a big fan of "f a n s". Regardless, "summer-like" weather has arrived. Although my distress towards this season, I confess that last weekend I did relax in the sun. I put on bikinis, stretched my fanny on the floor, rubbed my skin with suntan lotion... oops, I had forgotten to wear sunglasses. Oh well, I did want to look like a raccoon afterwards.

Was I on the beach? Not really. All that happened in the terrace, right here on the back of my house. Wouldn't it be more relaxing if I could be at the beach? NO. The sand, the crowd, the crawling creatures, the lack of bathrooms, the flying insects, you name it... Nah!!!! Did I end up having fun? Probably so, but that doesn't happen all the time. Like I said, I work so I can't lie in the sun every day, and when weekend comes, it normally rains.

I tried to convince me that maybe, possibly, perhaps there would be at least one thing that I may enjoy about hot weather. I failed. I miss the cold days already. It'll take six more months for them to reappear. Ah! ...and one more thing, I concluded that it does not make much of a sense for Brazilian Santa Claus to wear that heavy red coat or climb up chimneys, doesn't it? This is definitely a reverse place.

Keypads

I hate telephone. Hate cellphones even worse. I hate anything that has keypad such as remote controls, cordless phone speakers, and cellphones. I lose them all the time. I can't even tell the difference among the VCR, television, DVD player, and the stereo remotes. It is so useless to have something that was invented to make our lives easier but in fact they make me mad. They burn in my hands and help me lose hair. They never work for me. I sure suffer from technology dislexia because I can never point them to the right direction. I still change channels by using the best device - my finger tips. I can never make a call with my cellphone. I always dial the wrong keys. I never listen to it when it rings. When I listen to it, I get the calls too late. If there are messages, I don't know how to check them. If I check, I don't know how to erase them. So I don't get rid of them. I keep'em as long as they wanna be there in that little machine which was created to give me headaches. Then you wonder, "Why did she get one in first place?" In fact, I've never bought them. "THEM?" Yeah. I own two cellphones. I still have the first one my mom gave me in 2002 which I used once or twice. Hope she does not read this because she paid an arm and a leg for that so sophisticated model. I gave up carrying that one because of its complexity to turn it on!!! Enough, I said. Then Roberto gave me another one three months ago. This is definitely easier to manage, yet it is too much for "my fragile little mind." Thank God, I do not get to take pictures or send e-mails with it, because that would be the worst code I'd have to break. Don't get me started with the garage door and the car remote controls. This computer keyboard that I am using right now is more simple then the number of times I have to press the keys of the car control so that I can have the anti-theft alarm activated and the windows shut. Again, I know I suffer from some sort of disorder and that my condition gets worse with time... What is left to solve this problem? I got a special box so that I can keep in it all the remotes together. Now, I don't lose them so often. And cellphone? I am trying to be patient with myself and read the manual carefully for the third time. This time, I'll have to nail that machine. No, no, no, I still can't get some calls through... I'm gonna call the company and find out what the problem is... It can't be me again!!!

Paulo Leminski Words - The best Brazilian poet of all times!!!

INVERNACULAR

by Paulo Leminski

This language isn't mine.
It's plain as day.
When meaning goes away,
the word stays behind.
Maybe I'm just lying.
Or am I lying truth?
So I say myself - just,
Maybe - I can barely say.
This isn't my tongue.
The language I speak mutes
a distant song,
the voice, beyond, not a word.
The dialect you utilize
on the left bank of the phrase,
that's what does it, lusifies
me, half, maybe, inside.

°°°

Came the hard way down
the neverending line,
line striking stone,
word kickin round the corner,
tiny empty line,
a line a life, entire,
word, word of mine.

°°°

nothing the sun
can’t speak
all the moon
more chic
no rain fades
this flower

°°°

one of these days i wanna be
a great english poet
of the last century
saying
o sky o sea o folk o destiny
fight in india, 1866,
disappear in a clandestine shipwreck

°°°

put me out
thin me down
chop me up
until
after me
after us
after everything
nothing’s left
but the charm

°°°

between external duty
and eternal doubt
my commercial
heart goes
roundabout

°°°

pauloleminski’s
a crazy mutt
we really should kill him
with sticks and rocks
at the stake with one shot
or else he’s likely
the little prick
to piss all over
our picnic

°°°

a poem
not gotten
is worthy of note
supreme
dignity
of a drifting boat

°°°

back then
we were gonna be homer
the work an iliad no less
but then
it got a little harder
we’d settle for a Rimbaud
an Ungaretti a Fernando any old Pessoa
a Lorca an Eluard a Ginsberg
and then
the provincial poeticule
we always were
behind so many masks
time treated as flowers

°°°

as if i were julio plaza
pleasure
of pure perception
senses
be critique
of reason

°°°

two village idiots
one spends his days
kicking lampposts to see if they’ll turn on
the other his nights
rubbing words
off white paper
every village has an idiot
it treats with sympathy
in a little while i know
they’ll be treating me

°°°

i never wanted to be
a good customer
asking for this or that
red wine
thanks
hasta la vista
i wanted to go in
both feet planted
on the doorman’s chest
telling the mirror
- shut up
and the clock
- hands down

°°°

a good poem
takes years:
five playing soccer,
five more studying sanskrit,
six carrying stones,
nine falling for your neighbor,
seven taking a beating,
four going it alone,
three changing cities,
ten changing the subject,
an eternity, me and you
along together

°°°

and old poem that seems to fit so well today...

AlOnE

i MISS MY FRIENDS,

MISS MY FAMILY,

MISS MYSELF.

i MISS MYSELF FULL OF REGRETS

REGRETS OF NOT BEING WHAT i WANTED TO.

i MISS ALL THE ABSENCE WHICH ONCE SURROUNDED ME...

i FEAR ME

i FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF,

AND i ALSO HAVE OTHER VIOLENT FEELINGS TOWARDS ME -

VIOLENT FEELINGS,

BUT THEY JUST STAND STILL ON THE TOP OF THE SHELF,

RIGHT NEXT TO MY POT OF LOVE WHICH IS DUSTY AND DULL.

EVEN BEING FUZZY AND GOOEY, IT'S JUST ONE.

i RELISH ALL THOSE WHO ARE ALONE,

CHERISH MY LOSSES TOO.

FEAR INVADES MY HOUSE,

BREAKS INTO MY ROOM,

AND IT'LL COVER WHATEVER IT SEES FIT.

NO FRIENDS TO PROTECT ME,

NO FAMILY WHATSOEVER,

AND WHO ELSE IS LEFT TO HELP?

NOT EVEN MYSELF.

i MISS MYSELF.

lonely loner for long long long time...

a pointless post...

I found this sort of post in other blogs around. Don't understand the main purpose of it, however I have a major fun by listing things... This one was not much different:

Three names I go by:
1. Lailouca;
2. Krishina;
3. Lailets;

Three screen names I have had: I change nicks every second throughout the day, so here I'll register the last three...
1. Kris;
2. I will eat your soul;
3. lailAAA;

Three physical things I like about myself:
1. I love the fact that I stink;
2. I love my hairy mole cluster located on my chin. It gives people the creeps;
3. I love my eleventh toe.

Three physical things I don't like about myself:
1. My big ass... It makes me look fatter than I am;
2. I hate my pinkish lips - it alters other colors of lipsticks;
3. I hate my bad-hair days;

Three parts of my heritage:
1. Portuguese Jewish
2. Brazilian Native Indian
3. Spanish Moros

Three things that scare me:
1. being robbed;
2. left out friendless;
3. beerless fridges;

Three of my everyday essentials:
1. strong black coffee
2. make up
3. internet

Three of my favorite musical artists:
1. Yo La Tengo
2. Brazilian Music Sucks
3. David Gray

Three of my favorite songs:
1. D
2. Eleonor Rigby
3. Cats in a Bowl

Three things I want in a relationship:
1. to have a relationship;
2. to have the urge to live that relationship;
3. never get bored while experiencing that relationship;

Three LIES:
1. I am Martian.
2. I don't pick my nose.
3. I will live forever.

Three TRUTHS:
1. I love being bugged.
2. I like melancholic art.
3. I must get back on poetry writing.

Three things about the opposite sex that appeal to me:
1. Wit.
2. Assertiveness.
3. Confusion.

Three of my favorite hobbies:
1. listening to people whining.
2. reading.
3. watching thrillers.

Three things I want to do really badly now:
1. get a ticket to Europe;
2. get me a digital camera;
3. finish up my book;

Three occupations I have already considered having:
1. An architect;
2. A journalist;
3. A screenwriter;

Three places I want to go on vacation:
1. Iceland
2. Bariloche
3. Osaka

Three kid's names I like:
1. Annaïs
2. Ian
3. Chelsea

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. Own a llama
2. Get the master's degree accomplished
3. Have a book published

Three ways that I am stereotypically a boy:
1. I like burping loud;
2. I love skateboarding although I can't make those tricks.
3. I can only wear sneakers - higheels give me blisters.

Three ways that I am stereotypically a girl:
1. I love make-up... lots of it;
2. I have notebooks and journals written with colored scented pens;
3. I cry for nothing... all the time!

Three celebrity crushes:
1. Marlon Brandon
2. Ethan Hawke
3. Gavin Rossdale

What was I thinking to let this post be part of my blog??? BULL.... I guess... Oh well... It's my own spot so I must publish here whatever the f*** I want!!!

Wanted Friends - Welcome to adulthood

All my friends are away, especially those from my hometown. None of them continued living there, neither did I. They all took different paths and I had to do it too.

As I have already mentioned in many other posts in this blog, I've lived in 5 other places before settling down here and for that reason it was inevitable to make friends or just acquaintances in all those places. I met people that were very special at that moment. They helped me out in difficult situations. Their help was more than welcome especially because being far from both family and the country where I was from, that young, may have sounded way fun but it was pretty challenging.

These folks (good friends) appeared so connected so linked that we even made sure to exchange our homeland addresses and phone numbers so that we could keep track of ourselves afterwards. It's sad but this is so true that most of them have not tried hard enough to contact me. All that friendship seems now useless, fake, or merely favor exchanges. As a result, I must say to myself - WELCOME TO ADULTHOOD!

On the other hand, some of them have kept in touch for all those years and others have just returned from the 'shadows'. After almost 7 straight years, I finally got the chance to have the contact of a great friend back. It was a bit of a shock and at the same time a gift... a shocking gift. I received a wonderful e-mail and since then our friendship has growned. I can say that it is now much stronger than before when we had the chance to hold hands.

Friends are my armor. I respect all those who meant their deeds, favors, and help. They place faith back in my heart. No matter the distances and how long they don't keep track... as far as I can get to know they are or will be there, that is what matters in the end. I just wish I could make real friends more often like that one I mentioned above . It is so painful to accept the fact that the older we get, the harder it is to make new friends... yeah - once again - Welcome to adulthood!

My Old T-Shirts

OLD ROCK BAND T-SHIRT

Old T-shirt
My favorite band’s name is on it
It’s ragged, torn, worn out
It’s ugly, shrunk, and fucked up

Old T-shirt
Many times I’ve betrayed you
Trying to donate you or simply passing you on
But I couldn’t
You’re just made for me

Your color, format, design
Old T-shirt of mine
I care for you so much to let you die…

Old T-shirt
Again, you want to go
Silverfish are destroying you
Holes, stains, stitches
Rotten fabric, dull prints


No way, I won't be giving you away
It’s comfy to sleep with you on
It’s a blessing that we just can go on

by Laila Chris - Feb. 2005

Curiosity Facts: I've still kept some of my old band T-shirts. The first one I ever bought was a long-sleeved black Rush T-shirt. I got it in 1990. Well, honestly, the very first musical T-shirt I've ever had was a yellow and green Run-DMC one - not rock though. I had stolen it from my dad... I still don't know how he'd gotten it. Probably he brought it from the US in the mid 80's. Then, of course I bought a Bob Marley one, also black. My father gave me a Nirvana one in 1991. The funny thing is that I've never liked that band. For some reason my father had thought I did. He had gotten that one in the USA too. After that I started collecting them: Sepultura, Sex Pistols, and many others.

List of some of the things I had seen during the day which caught my attention...

1) Tibby tapping her paws on my right foot trying to wake me up;
2)Threads of hair on my bathroom floor;
3) An easy recipe on TV that I won't certainly try even though it made me wish to;
4) A gardner cleaning my yard;
5) Dirty dishes piled up in the kitchen sink.
6) Too many fans working in one place.
7) Second-hand porn movies being sold in a second-hand bookstore - how filthy this is... yew!
8) A staircase in a building that would be wonderful in a black&white snapshot - that made me want a digital camera more than ever.
9) A baby child who is from an apparently Japanese heritage with blond spiky hair.
10) A box with fragrant little tiny colorful Korean erasers that looked so tidy in that clear plastic container that I was supposed to get it. Now I don't know what I am going to do with those.

My day hasn't finished yet. I still need to return two DVDs and teach one more class. Chances are that I will encounter more things that may catch my attention throughout this evening. After this long day, I'll eat cold pizza, pop up a beer, and enjoy my favorite Brazilian TV show, barefoot and resting my legs on a stool in front of the TV set. I'll for sure end up burping while laughing because that is what normally happens to me when I mix pizza dough and beer!

Damn, who's gonna buy those porn movies???

Orkutmaniacs

Orkut is a Turkish man who had a funny idea while was in college (Stanford, I guess). He felt that his school was too big and too cold and for those reasons people were not socializing much there. Guys who needed roommates didn't know where to look for them and recent graduates didn't know where to ad his/her cars, computers, or personal items which were for sale. He thought of a software of a possible college network where people would publish their profiles, expose their tastes for music, food, movies, book, and other general facts, besides exchange ideas and opinions in communities where people would share the same interests, the same anger, fear, traumas, sense of humour, etc. Google bought it and now it is the most growing network of acquaintances among Brazilians.

The funniest thing about ORKUT is that you can get to meet people from early moments in one's life - like me, for instance, who got to find Daniel Schauff, a former classmate of my first German course I'd ever taken in Brazil. Another great point about it is being found there too. Last week, it was my turn to be located. I was spotted by my blogger friend BULB... Gosh! That was a nice surprise. We even got to speak on MSN after that for hours. On the other hand, I now know that I owe him E80,00... Damn it! Orkut is nice, but if you owe friends money, it's better to become an Orkut Suicidal - that is how an ex-orkut member is called...

By a simple click on a link which says 'delete profile', a person's virtual world is banished from this planet - from its virtual part though - but vanished. Pretty much the same thing happens in any site or even here among bloggers. We can place an end to our virtual space by one click away. Then, done. Boom. Gone. Doomed. That orkutmaniac must rest in peace. No more blogs, comments, Orkut communities, and even making virtual friends. The End.

... but isn't life better when lived based upon real rooms and one-0n-one conversations??? Oh well, I'll never get to answer that question again. Once, I thought so. Once, I'd say - "virtual friendship?" - "how geek!" And now? I can only say that this world has given me the chance to blurt words out in the sense that I can really think before registering them. In other words, I don't speak my mind with my online friends - I write it. And from the fact that those words will be then registered, it gives me a more concrete feeling that they can trust me and I can get to trust them as well. Just some nut idea here...

... the solution ...the decision ...the stress

Well well... there has been a long time that i don't stop by this spot. Once again I kept myself away and this time I have concrete reasons for having done that. It is not that I will name these reasons here but I have been going through too much mess in my thoughts, my expectations for my future, and my life in general which have made me a little more secluded.

It is something that not many people can understand since I have always registered here that my life is beautiful, my job fulfills me, and my cat Tibby has been prettier than ever (little joke so I don't break the habit). The thing is that life is based on more than this. Maybe it is a human reaction to a lifestyle that hasn't brought much emotions to my needs.

A friend said once that my life is crappy and I was asked by him if I wanted to live like that for good. My answer was a straight and delicate 'fuck you' because I know the kind of life I've had, and I do know that if by any chance a change is needed, I am free to take any other direction to it. Later then, something caught my attention. I thought of that question over and it came to light that I am not free. Not that I am the only one imprisoned in the entire planet, but it was so right that my life is crappy. Or it is true that my life has been crappy.

I have been truly kept tied up and controled by others in many different ways. I have always been like that. My problem is that it took me too long to realize it. However it is never too late for a change. I need to change something serious in me.

Another friend said that my suffering is from being too "hearted"... and for that friend I could only be harsh and straight by saying - "You are so 'fucking' right". I am an easygoing, outspoken, joyful individual. People take advantage of me by being this way. On the other hand, there are others that get admired and attracted by these characteristics of mine. For being that sort of person was never a problem to me.

Ironically, all this have caused a torturing maze to my deep senses. I have been requested to answer to too important questions... I have been bombarded with decisions that may change the whole course of my life. How should I answer to those requests? Who should I trust to help me out here? Where should I find safe arms to be embraced? Me! Me! Me!

Another friend said that I should follow my wishes. This friend also said that we can never be afraid of reestarting things, no matter how strange or impossible they seem to be at first. Again, I am relying on others to take decisions or find solutions to my personal problems... Me, me, me... or speaking in a narrative context -- you, you... YOU are the only one who knows what is best for yourself, Laïla.

Why don't you listen to yourself if your voice has already come back??? Yeah! I really need to call myself and arrange a meeting to my alter-ego, ego, and Id and see what they all have to tell me??? These three forces that lie in me will have to come up with something better for my life. These three figures will have to be tangible and propose me something more concrete than dreams... One thing I know for sure, that I will listen to each one of them like I have never done before. And only then, I will find the solution, I will take the best decision, and get rid of this stressful period in my life ("lives").

reading beckett... not talking, just whispering

I can get a great time by reading Beckett's works. I've found this stupendous description about his writings and for that I just felt like registering them here. Nothing meaningful to my blog. Nothing related to my day... It is only something which is incredible to read and so, let me publish it here!

The farther he goes the more good it does me. I don't want philosophies, tracts, dogmas, creeds, ways out, truths, answers, nothing from the bargain basement. He is the most courageous, remorseless writer going and the more he grinds my nose in the shit the more I am grateful to him. He's not f---ing me about, he's not leading me up any garden path, he's not slipping me a wink, he's not flogging me a remedy or a path or a revelation or a basinful of breadcrumbs, he's not selling me anything I don't want to buy — he doesn't give a bollock whether I buy or not — he hasn't got his hand over his heart. Well, I'll buy his goods, hook, line and sinker, because he leaves no stone unturned and no maggot lonely. He brings forth a body of beauty. His work is beautiful. (by Pinter)

Curiosity fact: I have tried hard not to "msn" that often. I can't quit checking my Orkut page daily. I've not drunk that much coffee like I used to. My ULCER has showed up this week therefore I must cut down on spicy food. Shiiiit - no kebabs for me for a while [;-(]. And my V O I C E???? Man... My voice... My voice is so hoarse these days that I sound worse than Courtney Love after jail. I am having a real hard time to teach because of that. I have to see a speech pathologist ASAP. I need to get focus on my health and on my duties. Frankly writing, I can see and feel improvements regardless.

Holiday is finally happening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been working around 15 hours a day since three weeks ago. It'll be like that for one more week. I am overwhelmed, stressed out, and losing hair. Tuesday is an official local holiday here and so, Monday I won't need to work. It is more than a blessing to me... Relief. Two days off!!!!!!!!!! As a matter of fact, it'll be three days off if we add Sunday!!!! :D Yeah! It may seem a lot or maybe it doesn't. I just know that since Easter, I haven't had that much time for relaxing and resting - except on those religiously Sundays off!

SUNDAY-MONDAY-TUESDAY all for myself. I wish I knew how to manage these days to invigorate my body and mind. I plan to take walks downtown, sit at a street bar, and order the best Brazilian pilsner beer while watching pedestrians getting around holding shopping bags, and crying children following their fast mothers walking along sidewalks. I should say that I'll try to do that if the weather really changes. It has been raining here for three weeks. My skin color is already getting a greenish shade because of the excess of humidity... Gosh, I am turning into a Hulk?!?!?

Another good stop will be at the book fair. There are great book stands in the central square that are worth visiting. Well, I do want to go there if the weather here helps! I intend to purchase an English idiom dictionary and two or three novels in Spanish. I haven't read books in that language for a while. Will I buy books in Portuguese too? It's possible in case I run into ones with good prices. Books and magazines are expensive buys in Brazil - never understood why.

Well, basically everything is expensive to get around here. That is why we have so many robberies and thefts. Talking about those, three nights ago, there was an attempt of breaking in someone's car right in front of my place. It wasn't so late and the guys were wearing masks. A lot scary, I must say. I have been victim of burglary myself. Back in 2002, two or three folks entered our garage and stole my husband's car radio. We've been both robbed on the streets having people pointing guns or sharp knives straight to our faces. That is not like "OH GOSH - SHE LIVES IN HELL"... However, we have to take many precautions to live free from fears in Brazil.

On Monday, I would like to go shopping for clothes. he! he! he! That even makes me laugh. Me? Buying clothes? I simply hate shopping and completely despise trying on new outfits. Some of my students call me 'weird' because it can not be possible being a woman and not enjoying clothes or shoes. Sometimes, I wonder that myself... COME ON!?!?!? How can a human being find some fun in crowded mall stores, getting naked in cold tinny little dressing rooms where mirrors that deform our bodies are hanging on the wall? Let's not forget the small sized doors that allow others to see your feet or the top of people's heads... How can that be appealing??? Anyhow, I'll spend some time at those stores because I must get new things to wear.

I will watch three movies. I will drink wine. I will eat at my favorite places in town. I will blog - doing it right now. I will MSN a lot since I am gonna take a break from it in three days. I will ORKUT. I won't be Yahoogrouping - i've already given that up. I will make some home cooking. I will stand for hours under a hot shower. I will call some friends. I hope to have friends calling me as well. I'll clear away the mess in the kitchen and in the living room. I'll finish a book which I have been reading for decades. I'll make a clean copy of a letter that it should be sent to a friend. I'll check my e-mails. Or... I may end up doing none of those things mentioned above. I'll just prostrate in bed waiting for the time when the rain will give us a break.

don't give a damn...

For a while, I have turned my blog into a photo-blog and I don't give a damn about it... No!!! No, I haven't quit writing. I had just not felt well enough to spread the words here for you guys to read until today. After about a month not publishing anything in here, I took the decision to gather some words in order to release an obnoxious flame that has been burning and soring my heart. I hope these words will come out right and fit properly to what I've been going through.

This may not be a real problem. In fact, I do believe it is not a problem at all. It is a flame, as I've just said. In reality, It is an issue that I've dealt since I was expected to behave like a grownup. Don't know whether being a spoiled kid made me have a weak control over my speaking thoughts. Many times I say what crosses my mind. Very often, I splurge the words not knowing the consequences of them. After saying them aloud, I can't get a decent sleep over. I regret so hard afterwards. What scares me the most is that even knowing the consequences sometimes, I say them anyway. I hurt, I blow, I affect, and I know.

But worse than that is not having the guts to act or behave the way in which my words speak for me. I am just a person full of words, issues, and projects. Some even say that MY words are powerful. They fill the emptiness and turn whatever is hollow into PLENTY. Maybe they are powerful to move others but they are not helping me much. My words seem to depict a wrong picture of me. For instance, I am NO powerful at all. I'm a chicken shit loaded with dreams.

I've not grown up YET. I haven't been able to come up with my own decisions anymore. I haven't felt strong enough to take my own paths like I used to. I have not been capable to keep myself away from fears. Well, this whole situation has not been EASY...

Some changes will be made in my lifestyle so that I can put out this flame once and for all:

• Firstly, I need to take a break from MSN MESSENGER and ORKUT things for a little while. It's getting overwhelming and I've not been able to write these days just because of those addictive shits.
• Then, I need to read. Reading helps me write better. MSN and other internet activities of mine are demanding time from me and stealing my creativity away.
• I need to listen to music more.
• I need to take walks more often.
• I need to watch movies.
• I need to go to the movies.
• I need to play with TIBBY - well that i do all the time.
• I need to study languages more. I'm glad that at least I got back on my German studies. I'm a language teacher for crying out loud. It is more than required to keep my English knowledge fresh and updated.
• I need to handwrite my thoughts.
• I must concretely start working on my trip to GERMANY. I am planning to spend a month there so that I can finally study the language in a German spoken place! This thing demands time... And staying online this much is delaying this PROJECT.
• And lastly, I need to post my words here more often. Even contradicting a little, blogging is part of my writing practice and I can't stop doing it for any reason in this world!!!

Hopefully after these changes that flame will quit burning soon... and my heart will then be healed.

Stolen Words

"My mind is more shallow, at the moment, than a thimble half full of water. I am beyond comprehension, analysis and reason. I am not understanding everything that is ripping through my mind. I don’t want to. My mind is on discharge. Secreting the garble of the last few days. Empting itself of clutter. Making way for new thoughts and ideas. A purging of the unnecessary, and a freeing of space for the indispensable."
by Fineartist