For a while, I have turned my blog into a photo-blog and I don't give a damn about it... No!!! No, I haven't quit writing. I had just not felt well enough to spread the words here for you guys to read until today. After about a month not publishing anything in here, I took the decision to gather some words in order to release an obnoxious flame that has been burning and soring my heart. I hope these words will come out right and fit properly to what I've been going through. This may not be a real problem. In fact, I do believe it is not a problem at all. It is a flame, as I've just said. In reality, It is an issue that I've dealt since I was expected to behave like a grownup. Don't know whether being a spoiled kid made me have a weak control over my speaking thoughts. Many times I say what crosses my mind. Very often, I splurge the words not knowing the consequences of them. After saying them aloud, I can't get a decent sleep over. I regret so hard afterwards. What scares me the most is that even knowing the consequences sometimes, I say them anyway. I hurt, I blow, I affect, and I know.
But worse than that is not having the guts to act or behave the way in which my words speak for me. I am just a person full of words, issues, and projects. Some even say that MY words are powerful. They fill the emptiness and turn whatever is hollow into PLENTY. Maybe they are powerful to move others but they are not helping me much. My words seem to depict a wrong picture of me. For instance, I am NO powerful at all. I'm a chicken shit loaded with dreams.
I've not grown up YET. I haven't been able to come up with my own decisions anymore. I haven't felt strong enough to take my own paths like I used to. I have not been capable to keep myself away from fears. Well, this whole situation has not been EASY...
Some changes will be made in my lifestyle so that I can put out this flame once and for all:
- Firstly, I need to take a break from MSN MESSENGER and ORKUT things for a little while. It's getting overwhelming and I've not been able to write these days just because of those addictive shits.
- Then, I need to read. Reading helps me write better. MSN and other internet activities of mine are demanding time from me and stealing my creativity away.
- I need to listen to music more.
- I need to take walks more often.
- I need to watch movies.
- I need to go to the movies.
- I need to play with TIBBY - well that i do all the time.
- I need to study languages more. I'm glad that at least I got back on my German studies. I'm a language teacher for crying out loud. It is more than required to keep my English knowledge fresh and updated.
- I need to handwrite my thoughts.
- I must concretely start working on my trip to GERMANY. I am planning to spend a month there so that I can finally study the language in a German spoken place! This thing demands time... And staying online this much is delaying this PROJECT.
- And lastly, I need to post my words here more often. Even contradicting a little, blogging is part of my writing practice and I can't stop doing it for any reason in this world!!!
Hopefully after these changes that flame will quit burning soon... and my heart will then be healed.
Oh Laila, I am an outspoken person too, and believe me, sometimes the words that have come out of my mouth have caused me to feel shame, self disappointment and agony. Particularly if my words have caused someone else to feel pain. If the painful words are true and they need to be said, then fine, I can live with that. I have the courage to tell people what I truly think, especially if they ask my opinion. If, however, the words I gush are painful, and I didn’t intend for them to be, then that is when I suffer shame and agony.
ReplyDelete(I hurt, I blow, I affect, and I Know.)Beautifully said.
You declare that you have not grown up yet, aw sweetie, I am forty-four years old, soon to be forty-five and I would be a liar if I claimed to always feel as if I am grown. We, all of us, flounder around in this life, some of us aiming for adulthood. Some of us strive for it, while many never even realize that they are off the mark. At least you spend time in self reflection, examining closely who you are, and who you wish to become. I would rather spend my time with quality people like YOU, who strive for adulthood, who strive for a quality life, than those who imagine they know all there is to know, who imagine they are the best that they can be. Pfft, It has been said many times, the more we learn the more we realize that we know nothing.
Good on ya, for making decisions that will enable you to fulfill some of your dreams. You truly are a person of quality. Quality is difficult to define, but we all seem to be able to recognize it when we see it, and honey, quality is all over you.
Now, don’t be so hard on yourself, please. Be kind to you. And, yes, yes, keep posting your words, they sooth me. I like the pics too, it is good to have a healthy sense of self. Love ya, mean it, Lori
Gee, Lori... Your words sooth me even better! I may seem to act hard on me, however I do believe that I can do a lot more to change or take other directions to my life. I've been tired. I've been stressed. What's funny is that no one is realizing that around here. See? How weird this can get!?! I disguise so well my feelings and I blurt out words that don't quite mean what I feel... I am full of contradictions - this was already said about me - and it is way difficult to deal with that. I am confusing and I've been having these days greater blockages to turn out things tidier so that I could have my issues solved. I'm a swimming pool with mess boiling over it!
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, we are all full of contradictions... life is too...
ReplyDeleteyeH, dyS
ReplyDeleteay oveL,
?uoy lliw ,erac ekaT
I totally understand what you are saying, but I don't seem to be as able to hide the stress anymore. It's pretty much out there for all to see in my behavior, either that or it manifests itself in a ginormous zit on my face usually my forehead or nose. Lovely, huh?
ReplyDeleteHang in there sweetie.