... the solution ...the decision ...the stress

Well well... there has been a long time that i don't stop by this spot. Once again I kept myself away and this time I have concrete reasons for having done that. It is not that I will name these reasons here but I have been going through too much mess in my thoughts, my expectations for my future, and my life in general which have made me a little more secluded.

It is something that not many people can understand since I have always registered here that my life is beautiful, my job fulfills me, and my cat Tibby has been prettier than ever (little joke so I don't break the habit). The thing is that life is based on more than this. Maybe it is a human reaction to a lifestyle that hasn't brought much emotions to my needs.

A friend said once that my life is crappy and I was asked by him if I wanted to live like that for good. My answer was a straight and delicate 'fuck you' because I know the kind of life I've had, and I do know that if by any chance a change is needed, I am free to take any other direction to it. Later then, something caught my attention. I thought of that question over and it came to light that I am not free. Not that I am the only one imprisoned in the entire planet, but it was so right that my life is crappy. Or it is true that my life has been crappy.

I have been truly kept tied up and controled by others in many different ways. I have always been like that. My problem is that it took me too long to realize it. However it is never too late for a change. I need to change something serious in me.

Another friend said that my suffering is from being too "hearted"... and for that friend I could only be harsh and straight by saying - "You are so 'fucking' right". I am an easygoing, outspoken, joyful individual. People take advantage of me by being this way. On the other hand, there are others that get admired and attracted by these characteristics of mine. For being that sort of person was never a problem to me.

Ironically, all this have caused a torturing maze to my deep senses. I have been requested to answer to too important questions... I have been bombarded with decisions that may change the whole course of my life. How should I answer to those requests? Who should I trust to help me out here? Where should I find safe arms to be embraced? Me! Me! Me!

Another friend said that I should follow my wishes. This friend also said that we can never be afraid of reestarting things, no matter how strange or impossible they seem to be at first. Again, I am relying on others to take decisions or find solutions to my personal problems... Me, me, me... or speaking in a narrative context -- you, you... YOU are the only one who knows what is best for yourself, Laïla.

Why don't you listen to yourself if your voice has already come back??? Yeah! I really need to call myself and arrange a meeting to my alter-ego, ego, and Id and see what they all have to tell me??? These three forces that lie in me will have to come up with something better for my life. These three figures will have to be tangible and propose me something more concrete than dreams... One thing I know for sure, that I will listen to each one of them like I have never done before. And only then, I will find the solution, I will take the best decision, and get rid of this stressful period in my life ("lives").