Holiday is finally happening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been working around 15 hours a day since three weeks ago. It'll be like that for one more week. I am overwhelmed, stressed out, and losing hair. Tuesday is an official local holiday here and so, Monday I won't need to work. It is more than a blessing to me... Relief. Two days off!!!!!!!!!! As a matter of fact, it'll be three days off if we add Sunday!!!! :D Yeah! It may seem a lot or maybe it doesn't. I just know that since Easter, I haven't had that much time for relaxing and resting - except on those religiously Sundays off!

SUNDAY-MONDAY-TUESDAY all for myself. I wish I knew how to manage these days to invigorate my body and mind. I plan to take walks downtown, sit at a street bar, and order the best Brazilian pilsner beer while watching pedestrians getting around holding shopping bags, and crying children following their fast mothers walking along sidewalks. I should say that I'll try to do that if the weather really changes. It has been raining here for three weeks. My skin color is already getting a greenish shade because of the excess of humidity... Gosh, I am turning into a Hulk?!?!?

Another good stop will be at the book fair. There are great book stands in the central square that are worth visiting. Well, I do want to go there if the weather here helps! I intend to purchase an English idiom dictionary and two or three novels in Spanish. I haven't read books in that language for a while. Will I buy books in Portuguese too? It's possible in case I run into ones with good prices. Books and magazines are expensive buys in Brazil - never understood why.

Well, basically everything is expensive to get around here. That is why we have so many robberies and thefts. Talking about those, three nights ago, there was an attempt of breaking in someone's car right in front of my place. It wasn't so late and the guys were wearing masks. A lot scary, I must say. I have been victim of burglary myself. Back in 2002, two or three folks entered our garage and stole my husband's car radio. We've been both robbed on the streets having people pointing guns or sharp knives straight to our faces. That is not like "OH GOSH - SHE LIVES IN HELL"... However, we have to take many precautions to live free from fears in Brazil.

On Monday, I would like to go shopping for clothes. he! he! he! That even makes me laugh. Me? Buying clothes? I simply hate shopping and completely despise trying on new outfits. Some of my students call me 'weird' because it can not be possible being a woman and not enjoying clothes or shoes. Sometimes, I wonder that myself... COME ON!?!?!? How can a human being find some fun in crowded mall stores, getting naked in cold tinny little dressing rooms where mirrors that deform our bodies are hanging on the wall? Let's not forget the small sized doors that allow others to see your feet or the top of people's heads... How can that be appealing??? Anyhow, I'll spend some time at those stores because I must get new things to wear.

I will watch three movies. I will drink wine. I will eat at my favorite places in town. I will blog - doing it right now. I will MSN a lot since I am gonna take a break from it in three days. I will ORKUT. I won't be Yahoogrouping - i've already given that up. I will make some home cooking. I will stand for hours under a hot shower. I will call some friends. I hope to have friends calling me as well. I'll clear away the mess in the kitchen and in the living room. I'll finish a book which I have been reading for decades. I'll make a clean copy of a letter that it should be sent to a friend. I'll check my e-mails. Or... I may end up doing none of those things mentioned above. I'll just prostrate in bed waiting for the time when the rain will give us a break.

don't give a damn...

For a while, I have turned my blog into a photo-blog and I don't give a damn about it... No!!! No, I haven't quit writing. I had just not felt well enough to spread the words here for you guys to read until today. After about a month not publishing anything in here, I took the decision to gather some words in order to release an obnoxious flame that has been burning and soring my heart. I hope these words will come out right and fit properly to what I've been going through.

This may not be a real problem. In fact, I do believe it is not a problem at all. It is a flame, as I've just said. In reality, It is an issue that I've dealt since I was expected to behave like a grownup. Don't know whether being a spoiled kid made me have a weak control over my speaking thoughts. Many times I say what crosses my mind. Very often, I splurge the words not knowing the consequences of them. After saying them aloud, I can't get a decent sleep over. I regret so hard afterwards. What scares me the most is that even knowing the consequences sometimes, I say them anyway. I hurt, I blow, I affect, and I know.

But worse than that is not having the guts to act or behave the way in which my words speak for me. I am just a person full of words, issues, and projects. Some even say that MY words are powerful. They fill the emptiness and turn whatever is hollow into PLENTY. Maybe they are powerful to move others but they are not helping me much. My words seem to depict a wrong picture of me. For instance, I am NO powerful at all. I'm a chicken shit loaded with dreams.

I've not grown up YET. I haven't been able to come up with my own decisions anymore. I haven't felt strong enough to take my own paths like I used to. I have not been capable to keep myself away from fears. Well, this whole situation has not been EASY...

Some changes will be made in my lifestyle so that I can put out this flame once and for all:

• Firstly, I need to take a break from MSN MESSENGER and ORKUT things for a little while. It's getting overwhelming and I've not been able to write these days just because of those addictive shits.
• Then, I need to read. Reading helps me write better. MSN and other internet activities of mine are demanding time from me and stealing my creativity away.
• I need to listen to music more.
• I need to take walks more often.
• I need to watch movies.
• I need to go to the movies.
• I need to play with TIBBY - well that i do all the time.
• I need to study languages more. I'm glad that at least I got back on my German studies. I'm a language teacher for crying out loud. It is more than required to keep my English knowledge fresh and updated.
• I need to handwrite my thoughts.
• I must concretely start working on my trip to GERMANY. I am planning to spend a month there so that I can finally study the language in a German spoken place! This thing demands time... And staying online this much is delaying this PROJECT.
• And lastly, I need to post my words here more often. Even contradicting a little, blogging is part of my writing practice and I can't stop doing it for any reason in this world!!!

Hopefully after these changes that flame will quit burning soon... and my heart will then be healed.

Stolen Words

"My mind is more shallow, at the moment, than a thimble half full of water. I am beyond comprehension, analysis and reason. I am not understanding everything that is ripping through my mind. I don’t want to. My mind is on discharge. Secreting the garble of the last few days. Empting itself of clutter. Making way for new thoughts and ideas. A purging of the unnecessary, and a freeing of space for the indispensable."
by Fineartist

Have You All a Nice Week!!!

Tomorrow is Monday... I was wondering... Why not start the week with a great uplifting message??? I read it at saucymonk.blogspot.com. The text is called "Things to watch out for"... Have fun!!!

HAVE A NICE WEEK!!!

SALESREPRESENTATIVEPHOBIA

For those who aren't so far aware of what I do for a living, you should know that I own a school where anyone can learn a second language. Owning a business is in part very nice but a bit overwhelming especially in my case that besides teaching, I enjoy having some hobbies of my own such as blogging, pretending I can be a journalist, Orkuting, Yahoogrouping, learning languages, and MSNing quite a lot. A good reason to find my job stressful is that since this school is small, we are supposed to take control over everything: being at the front desk and receiving everyone who wants to get to know about it for instance.

I haven't been depressed, under stress, or passing through difficulties in life. The toughest times of my personal journey happened many years ago. I can freely say that I'll become 30 (next year) financially OK and almost 100% professionally satisfied. As achieving those things in a country like Brazil isn't easy I ought to be proud of myself and I bet my parents are too. However there is something that bugs me about being a business owner.

My school is a small educational institution located downtown in a medium sized city. It is the branch of a chain of many other schools - about 900 - in Brazil and in other countries such as Argentina, Uruguay, Dominique Republic, and Japan. From the school name, architecture, interior looks, to the materials, these are all things dictated by a central office located in São Paulo city.

Ours was chosen to be installed in a house, not a common house, but an old-fashioned three-story house. Now, this house has been remodeled and painted with bright colors. Although the hot colors were intended to give a more modern look to the house, its original appearance was kept. I just love my place and sales representatives find it attractive too. Since we have had it remodeled, there is not even a day that we don't get either a call or a visit by these creatures.

Sales representatives are protected species in Brazil and everywhere else as their predators never surplus their sales power. They like hunting clients and normally eat take-out food. These beings dress in black, usually business suit, or any dark color suit so that they can disguise their black leather briefcases. Yeah! They carry briefcases. This is where they keep their secret weapons - purchase order receipt books. Be aware that sometimes they leave the briefcases in the car. Without briefcases, they can be mistaken or easily confused as being politicians, pastors, or fancy disco security guards - yew.

I fear sales representatives. They come and go with those brilliant proposals. If you buy from them, your life will certainly change. They attack us by selling all sorts of products and offering all sorts of services: miracle detergents, soft paper towels, desks, heaters, school supplies, stationery items, dictionaries, calculators, softwares, international magazine subscriptions, surveillance, industrial coffee brewers...

They don't easily convince me to purchase, but they demand much time. They like to talk. OK, I like to hear people but their conversations are mostly bogus. I fear those beings. They scare me especially when they look serious (I've already said that serious people frighten me and that is so so so true!). They scare me when talk religiously memorized texts. They give me the jitters when they show up smelling cheap colognes, having gel smeared on their hair, and shinny nails accurately manicured. They enter the school and place on the counter samples, catalogs, price lists... Aaaaah!!! It's too much for me.

Dissociative Identity Disorder

"Identity" was a good movie I saw last weekend. I am a very big fan of psychological thrillers and I can say that that movie is a killer one (literally)! I guess it was recommended by a student of mine. I just know that it was my kind of entertainment. The murderer in that film suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder from where the title was derived.

I had never understood well that sort of disorder until I saw "Identity." Even though I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, nor psychotherapist, I've been always interested in comprehending all types of disorders, phobias, or psychosis.

The only formal education on disorders I've ever had was a college course called "Introduction to Psychology" which I took four years ago. Then, I could have general ideas of all the major characteristics for each kind of patient. I may be wrong on my attempt to digress about this disorder since I am no professional in that matter, so if you are and know that I made mistakes, report and correct me on the comment section.

I started writing about this issue not because of the movie per se, but because a few years ago I met a person whom I think has this condition. He is known in the city as being a crook, a deceiver, a person with crazy moral standards who enters small businesses and always try to close real good deals through his magnetism, eloquence, and most of all by pretending being someone he isn't for instance doctors, judges, lawyers, etc. He doesn't normally steal nor take real advantages of his victims, however he sells or buys people's dreams. Yeah, by now you've already realized that I was one of his victims which is true!

He entered my school in January 2003, on my birthday more precisely around 5:30 pm. The man was in dark business suit and had a pin on the left of an official lawyer's Brazilian association. He was a young judge from out of town who needed to take an English course only to understand International Law terminologies. I recommended him some dictionaries and websites about the topic but he had already bought and read the best materials found in the market (he showed me his own notes in pieces of scrap paper which were placed in a sort of appointment book). I was trying to make up his mind so I insisted that a course wasn't needed just for that. He then convinced me that I was going to enjoy lecturing International Law terminologies because more judges were interested in this sort of course and that no other institution in town was able to offer it. As we had recently opened our business, we thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to start off with a group of judge students who would be learning from our instructors. Don't even get me started with the tuition payment - fresh cash period. Just like a dream, but better - a lucid one!

4 days later, when I went to court to meet the other judges and probably set a schedule for the course, I found out he was lying. Right at the front desk, while the receptionist was saying that that man's name was fake -- there was no judge at his age, with his last name, not even with his appearance -- I felt a mix of disappointment and a bulk of admiration towards that individual because he had gotten me. My husband laughed his butt off about it. I did not find that funny at first, but now I giggle a little over that situation. What I can say, for sure, about that man is that he may have D. I. D. or he's just a talented forger.

Well, I know that D.I.D. is a mental condition and that is not a bit close to what I call: "my creative process for building characters." Although, those who suffer that disorder have to be highly creative, I guess. My point is that by being a 'maybe-writer' or someone who aspires to have any material published some day, I can assure that novelists are somehow dealing with Dissociative Identity Disorders while composing their characters - at least that happens to me. I'd embody them and their lives experiencing other realms - especially when I close my eyes and freeze my hands floating over the keyboard. To build up my characters, I do go after other people's experience, personal information on auto and biographies, diaries, blogs, or just by talking to them. I am not a good "talker" but I am certainly a good listener, and probably a very very very easy person to be convinced too.


Curiosity Facts:

• I haven't finished my translation jobs yet. I hope to conclude my work by the end of this week.
• Tibby is recoverying pretty well from a spaying surgery. She jumps on furniture and purrs a lot when eating. The only supposed problem is that her stiches bother her a little since they jeopardize her outer beauty, but I have convinced her to rub some healing gel on the scar and I keep telling her that everything will turn out OK.
• I am back on track with a novel that I started in 1999. I have the characters but I do not know what to do with them. I need a plot, a conflict, something to change the course of things.
• Believe it or not, but I have met four more victims of that D.I.D. crook - he always introduces himself using the same first name - PAULO. They say he lives nearby, that's why I've already bumped into him countless times. He is never underdressed and seems to be carrying that appointment book wherever he goes. One of his victims told me that he has already been arrested however he is never kept more than two days in jail for the fact that no one presses charges of a real crime - Let's face it, he can't be sent to court just by performing people's personality! This disorder is simply tantalizing and amazing at the same time.

Hardworking Babe

If there is any person who really cares for reading this blog, I must say that I haven't posted anything since a week ago because we are not on summer vacation down here. My home is located in the southern hemisphere so we're having a harsh winter with NO vacation a-t a-l-l. Besides being a teacher and a language school owner, I also make my living out of reviewing books and translating websites and that is what is demanding a lot of time from me. So, as soon as I have this website translation done, I'll get back here to fill this spot in with crap posts and have bogus boot lickers commenting on them... And let me not forget that I just love to cheat on my stats counter.

15 Random Thoughts and Queries

I. I just thought it would be cool to have a television set that comes with a special locator button for helping find missing remote controls.

II. I've dyed my hair black and have recently changed the colors of my walls here. My blogger friend Bulb is searching for other template colors and there are other friends that have completely deleted their sites from the web. Yeah, changes are tough.

III. I can't wait to restart my German classes.

IV. The worst movie I saw last week: CLOSER. The best one I saw last week: SAW.

V. Freezing cold weather helps my facial skin get blush and dry. Freezing cold weather makes me hungry for pasta, thirsty for hot drinks, and eager to sleep in.

VI. Caffeine does not affect me anymore. I need to find another legal substance that would warm me up and make me more alert to kids' cheating strategies.

VII. Tibby has been in heat for the third time and she's recently turned 6 months old. What's with this girl???

VIII. I don't see point in sweeping the floor if there will be dust piled up again on the same spot the next day. And the same is true when it comes to brushing the teeth, the hair, changing the bed sheets, and all the dirty dishes on the sink - how come washing them??? Why??? WHY???

IX. I've been pretty much happy for the last three years since no Jehova Witness has found out my most current address.

X. Humans are pathetic because they have to struggle for survival - and that does not include hunting or fishing any longer. They worship imaginary figures, can't fart nor belch in public (in most societies that's not acceptable), spend every penny they earn to own a gadget topped on 4 wheels, need to wear clothes to disguise their body imperfections, pay fortunes to possess accessories made of gold, torture themselves aiming a standardized shape of so-called beauty, believe in everything TV says, intake food suplements, work out at gyms to buff their arms and legs... And all this to die in the end. Gee!

XI. Based on Contra's Blog -> How come serious people make me laugh? I even guffaw when they show up wearing business suit, tie, well-polished leather shoes and nails... So much amusing!

XII. Based on Frida Kahlo's Diary -> Why do I need legs to walk if I have wings to fly? Why does art have to make sense? Would I ever finish reading the books I have set aside?

XIII. Let's face it! Teenagers and kids do not need to own cellphones.

XIV. Redudant expressions are so useless and so much fun simultaneously - check them out: advanced warning / current status / final conclusion / sudden impulse / unexpeted surprise (DA best!) / small in size / first time ever (my personal favorite) / natural instinct (this should become a medical term) / future plans (subtle) / hot water heater / VIP people / ATM machine / join together / HIV virus / SAT test / may possibly / completely unanimous (lol) / and the best one - TOTALLY EXCELLENT - very Brazilian!!!

XV. When I die I wouldn't appreciate my friends crying their asses off because they'd be missing me. "Crying" for me would not represent their deepest feelings nor would match with my character. At my funeral, I would love to see them laughing, but not laughing AT me, no... not that. They'd be cheering because they'd remember my best jokes, my worst bloopers, my dirtiest comments, and all my nonsense random thoughts. They would be served absynthe and only the most sophisticated fingerfoods at this gorgeous place. They'd make sure to take pictures with my corpse - after all, great parties like that do not happen every day. There would be loud live music and semi naked girls giving lap dances in private rooms, so that my husband - in case he is still alive - would have the first taste of how great it'll also be to be widowed. Oh Nelson.

Let us kill it, shall we?

"Saudade" is a Portuguese word. I am Brazilian and live in Brazil, hence I speak that language on the daily basis. So, I say I feel "saudade" for all those that are not around.

I miss = I feel "saudade"

Saudade is a noun. It is an abstract noun. We feel it when we can't be closer to the object, place, or person we miss. We kill it when are nearby that person, place, or object I latter mentioned!

When we don't feel it anymore, we say that we "killed" it!!! Yeah! Brazilians are able to kill what is in fact an abstract, intangible, unconnected to concrete reality, theoretical, not practical thing = SAUDADE.

I miss, therefore I feel it.

I feel it because my folks are not here when I need them the most. I feel it because my friends are not here to share my joy or help me out when I am down in the dumps.

I miss, therefore I know what "SAUDADE" is.

I miss the views of São Paulo, Londrina, and Florida. I miss my former apartment in Saint Petersburg and Mexican food. I miss most of the pals I made in this so incredible city in Pinellas County: Yayoi, Nadia, Melissa and Andrew, Priscila, Margarito, Fernando, Yuichiro, Regina, Naima, Dunja, Masako, Edi, Javier, Guillaume, Cédric, Kalina, Luiza, and Zakaria & Mie.

Saudades are not easy to be controlled. They come and go by their own means. I feel "saudade" for places, food ( as I said), and some special moments. This feeling can get really disturbing because it plants in our hearts the seed which will sprout a plant that'll connect us with the elements we've been missing as long as that "saudade" lasts.

Gee!!! It's not easy to understand if you're not able to sense it.

Curiosity Fact: When are you coming back??? I wanna murder this thing...

Never Trust In Those That Are Only Loved

He had dark hair and a mustache in my first memory of him.

He rooted for my enemy soccer team.

He played card games that I never learned.

He used to talk with an accent and say idioms that I never understood.

He had enemies - my father always says, "never trust in those that are only loved" -

He even broke a bottle on a friend's head once.

He loved women and women apparently loved him.

He would cheer up any sad person through his gags.

Manuel was his name - my dear grandfather. The only one I met.

He is in heavens now, maybe against his will.

I bet he's gonna get bored there, oh well death sucks sometimes.

He loved his family and his family loves him.

He lived his life to the fullest.

It's WINTER in the Southern Hemisphere

My woolen sweater is not going to be enough to protect me from cold this year. Winter has recently arrived in this part of the planet (the southern hemisphere) and it has already been freezing. Even though Brazil is a tropical country, the southernmost part of this nation has a different climate: pretty damp, very foggy throughout the year, and the temperature often drops down to below zero. It even snows in some places where snowy weather has become one-of-a-kind touristic attraction. I get easily amazed by snowy views.

My warm stockings aren't going to help much this time according to the weather forecasters. They keep saying that 2005 winter will be one of the toughest with harsh cold winds. Well, I certainly need to get my scarfs washed, fireplace fixed, and double my wine stock in the house cellar. I love winter, especially the lowest temperatures, my mood gets so much better during this season. It is just perfect for having pasta dishes, fondue, boiled pinhão (pine nuts), hot chocolate, and staying in bed watching psycho-thrillers under blankets and holding a glass of a fine pinot noir.

I know, I know, I know that this may sound strange since Brazil is a tropical country and blah blah blah... Most of my acquaintances from here think I am mad just because I enjoy getting the thrills from winter. I collect only nice memories during this season - no one can ever explain this. Let me illustrate what I am saying by telling you about my own experience of seeing "snow" for the very first time. That snowy landscape made my mind spin.

That was in Chicago in January 2000. I had left an airplane at the O'Hare Airport before taking another domestic flight heading south of the USA. The pilot welcomed the foreigners by announcing the local temperature: -35°C. I had exact one hour and a half for the connection: including passing through the INS and customs, and reaching the right gate for the new flight.

Chicago Airport is huge and there there is this breathtaking 'horizontal escalator' (don't know the right name of that) with dazzling lights all over the places and psychodelic tunes that one can listen to while riding on that, and most of the walls are glass made... In short, I needed to go across that area on that sorta "escalator" in order to find the monorail station. I felt like being part of a sci-fi movie of the 70's (Star Trek-like). In less than 5 minutes I was there, standing at the station. I turned around waiting the monorail and that is what I saw: snow flakes falling gloomily covering cars and turning everything that could have been seen plain white.

The monorail crosses the entire airport parking lot which is outdoors. The station I was supposed to get off was only fifteen minutes ride. As I had over one hour to get through the connection, I decided to stay in the wagon and stare constinuously at those cars covered by that white fluffy snow. My deep wish was to be able to leave the O'Hare Airport and walk on the city sidewalks, and play with it. The so-called harshness of a strong winter was never felt by me. On the other hand, that view caught my attention so bad that I felt like not moving at all from the shuttle. I kept there going back and forth, passing by the station I was supposed to get off two, three, four times. My mind got astonished by the beauty of that whiteness.

My one-and-a-half-hour interval to switch airplanes, all of a sudden, turned into a snap of fingers. I had no wristwatch on me so I asked the time from a gentleman sitting next to me. He kindly answered and my reaction went: "Oh my goodness! What am I gonna do now?" My next flight was going to take off within ten minutes... No, no, no, I did not miss that flight. I ran. I ran for my life. I ran like a fat kid would do if he were caught red-handed at a candy store. I ran. I truly ran. I ran but I did not break a sweat - another good thing from winter.

The "horizontal" escalator or "scrolling" floor... Don't know how to call that, but check out those lights...

Curiosity Fact: It's +8°C in here now! My hands are cold since I don't own a heater and the fireplace hasn't gotten fixed yet. Before I forget - I wouldn't miss the chance to touch the snow back then. I noticed there was some of it piled up by the hatch of that Delta plane. I didn't think twice... I dropped my carry-on on the floor and stooped down to grab a bunch of snow with my barehands. I could only smile!

Listing Biography

Sometimes, I wake up with an extra will to have that poetry book (THE PAWNSHOP) finally published with its cover, fine pages, illustrations on random sheets, and maybe a little biography on the back. Biography? What would it have to say there? I am 29 and have never done most of the interesting things I wish I had done. Gosh!

It is pretty common to find those lists on the back of all fiction books saying what the author had previously published, or having a list of his/her greatest prizes, or even mentioning his/her achievements. Well, my literary biography would have to start with...

You see, when I was a kid, I had this red Remington typewriter ( a gift from Dad) that I would place it on my lap while watching kids show on TV. Then I would look around and start typing lists of objects that I was able to find in my house that started with letter A - like ANTS, ANTACIDS, ANTHENA... Or perhaps, I would list things that were the same color: tomato, my skirt, my typewriter, the neighbor's beetle, my mother's nails...

Then, when I started Middle School, my Portuguese teacher called Maria Thereza asked the entire class to come up with poems because those short pieces of art were going to be published in a school book. By the end of the year, I had my little poem published which spoke about my identity. The name of the poem was "WHO AM I???" - very philosophical, but not very rewarding with answers for that matter. Anyway, I felt important since my name was in that publication.

It's true that I seeked for a journalist career later on. My intention was to become an international correspondent for BBC or CNN while living in this country filled with unjustice and urban violence. The country is still filled with those, however I have never made to be a journalist. Excpet the fact that I was a great news intern in some independent media for not letting out a single item of the suppliers' lists. Love putting together information by categories.

I am and have always been interested in being a writer. That's what inspired me to leave Brazil and get to know other cultures and get in touch with other publishers. Well, it was pretty easy to be involved with other cultures in the USA, since Americans fear getting connected with foreigners. I got to make friends from all over the world in Uncle Sam's land and they have added in me a great amount of faith in humankind. Whereas, I barely got to meet any person in the publishing business there. At least, I have saved some of their names and their emails in alphabetical order on the back of my green binder just in case I might need to contact them.

Now, I am here - being a teacher who teaches languages -- who helps her students write better in English and even in their native tongue (Portuguese) by asking them to list irregular verbs, adverbs of frequency, and other grammar tools -- after having finished two thesis for two different university majors and minors, not winning many poetry contests, and not finding much to add to my listing biographical section when this MAYBE-poetry book finally comes out.

What does it take to have a real biography of a real poet???

Curious Fact - I love being helpful anyway!!!

Putting Away My Youth

This week I decided to do most things that I had put off doing for three months. The list is huge and it will never end, but I can say that the greatest part of all those late tasks was related to cleaning, organizing, tearing up useless papers, and throwing away anything that is no longer needed.

While putting away my personal things, I've run across a box of many old tapes (those things that the young generations don't even know the purpose of them) and many boxes of letters and postcards (...yeah! Those were real mails written on real papers sent through post offices and delivered by mailmen.)

It's incredible how connected I was to my tapes. Before I turned 15, there was no MTV in Brazil and CD's were rare to find and when one could find them, they costed an arm and a leg. So, taping the records were the most affordable sollution to have good music playing at one's stereo.

Carefully, I dusted off each tape box and read their labels one by one. I was impressed by the bands I had recorded in those audio cassettes, there were names that I could barely remember listening to like Cocteau Twins, Devo, The Cure, Hüsker Du, The Circle Jerks, New Model Army, Agent Orange, some Brazilian musicians and not many bands from around here, after all the 80's were not so promising for national music (sorry if there is any Brazilian reader that might think like the opposite of that.) My tapes had the tittles of each song, the right names of those bands and their corresponding album names, the year which they were released and any extra necessary info.

The tapes that were in best shape were from bands of the 90's such as Luna, Stereolab, Pearl Jam, Radiohead, Nirvana (Bleach), Faith No More... And many other stuff that I could name here for hours, after all they are nearly 200 tapes. Well, it was nice to picture all these albuns which were once in my hands as records and I managed to transform them into magnetic brown delicate tapes which would sound still OK in my 00's stereo. Listening to them brought me magical feelings and delightful memories that once I really cared for music.

I don't know how the current generation is coping with music. CD recorders, MP3, iPODs give a whole new aproach when it comes to making albuns. I don't really understand how musicians still develop these materials either because all is limited in computer files. And what about letter writing? Are there individuals that still enjoy exchanging letters written by hand on decorative papers, and those mails would be expected anxiously to get arrived? I remember that it was fun to check out the different stamps from overseas. Do people have nowdays keyboardpals?

It feels good to know or to reinforce in me that I have been always demanding when it came to music senses and later on I became fussier with movies, books, clothes, TV, and so forth. The tapes, the letters, and the postcards made me realize what meant to grow up in the end of the 80's and getting to know what a grunge band would sound like on the stage. Having listened to walkman before falling asleep, returning Betamax video tapes to rental stores, playing Atari games, asking to use the telephone in all places, picking up pictures developed at special photograph stores and many of them would get fuzzy, xeroxing lyrics from albums, and making my own letter sheets and envelopes from recycled papers make me confirm that I was part of a historical moment.

...So here they are - More Poems!!!

SILENCES


KINDS OF SILENCE
AS OPPOSE OF THE UNIVERSE:

SIDERAL SPACE SILENCE
SILENCE OF MEDITATION
ENHANCED CONCENTRATION
VOICELESS MOMENT

SILENCE OF ALL PHILOSOPHERS
A QUIET SKY
BEING ABANDONED BY GOD

SILENCE OF GERMS
OF THOSE WHO LOST THEIR HEADS

SIGN LANGUAGE
MESSAGES WITH SILENCE

POETRY SIGNS THE SILENCE TOO

QUIET INTERNET USERS CONTEMPLATE THE SILENCE

THE SILENCE OF THOSE WHO FEAR
BEING AFRAID OF TORTURES

SILENCE OF COLD DAMP PRISONS
HORROR EXPECTATIONS

CENSORSHIP FORCES SILENCE AS WELL
FEARFUL SILENCE

THE SILENCE OF THEORIES FILLED WITH TOO MANY EXPLANATIONS

BOOKS ARE SILENT
ITS WRITERS ARE FRAGILE PATIENTS AND
THAT EXPLAINS SIGNS HANGING ON THE WALL IN LIBRARIES
SAYING “SILENCE”,
SIMILAR TO THOSE IN HOSPITAL ROOMS:
WE’D BETTER BE QUIET OR ELSE YOU WON’T LISTEN TO THEM.

_________________________________________________________


SUBMARINE

Brilliant atmosphere
Colorful design
Brushes
Strokes
Stabs
Stocks of words
Can’t deny
Can’t refuse
Can’t imagine life without
Submarine of affection
Aggravated by the sum of all feelings
Never said that to a human before
Conflict of “paroles”
Not sure if I am human

Keep it quiet
Look at it twice
The atmosphere isn’t that brilliant anymore
Dead fish are all over the places
No escapes
No ends
No deceives

Cover it up! Cover it all up!!!
Convictions, Old Convictions
Direct invasion
That can’t be said
That couldn’t be told

Similar calculus
Cool intent to recreate natural will
Filtered pills
Steps covered with withered orchids
Standing still

Put things away
They aren’t to concentrate
Ought to infest the atmosphere with colorful portraits
Bring the colored strokes back to me
Stab my skin with your paintbrush
Suck my blood as a flea would do

Sink back that submarine, soldier of ours…
Think that this has been the time
Teach others that we are
Limited, fragile, vulnerable
And promise not to torture me,
I know you won’t arrest me
For sure, you won’t shoot me
You won’t rape me!

A little bit more about me

About Me

I’ve already stolen books from libraries
I would ring the bell of strangers’ homes and walk away rapidly…
I’ve already wanted to poison the neighbors’ pets
I’ve already run over a stray cat back in my hometown

I whisper people bad words in different languages all the time
I almost poked my sister’s right eye once

I showed my middle finger to a religion teacher when I was just 6
I scratched deliberately a Fritz Dobbert piano when I was 9
I’d smoke cigarette butts from the floor when I was 11
I used to fake out my mother’s signature on my school detentions

I hadn’t known how to fry eggs short time before I decided to live alone
I invited people whom I didn’t know into my apartment
Later on, many of them used to hang out there
Some of them became good friends

I’ve already canceled many doctor’s and dentist’s appointments

I hate doing the dishes and usually place wet towels in bed

I’ve never voted for president or governor

I was raised listening to both languages at home: Portuguese and English

Luckily, I never liked MENUDOS
Although I’ve already bought a "New Kids on the Block" album and I have already wanted to marry Joe McIntyre.

I’ve visited a few countries in North and South America and have never been to Europe
I’ve fished in the Atlantic and have never wet my feet into the cold Pacific
I’ve always feared driving even way before I had a car accident.
I’ve already danced lambada and have already been to a punk rock concert…


…Well, I still listen to punk rock, however this isn’t my cup of tea
Lambada is in the past, THANK GOD!

I do avoid driving as much as I can
I am a great cook now – Lebanese dishes are my specialty
I’ve been happily married to a non-famous person since 98

I teach English for a living, think that I am able to communicate in Spanish and study German and French for fun

I don’t smoke yet I quite enjoy drinking
I don’t play the piano anymore even though I could be back to having lessons

Politics isn’t my favorite topic of conversations

I am a teacher and hate when kids disrespect me

My sister doesn’t talk to me very often and I wonder why
I haven’t gone to a doctor for years…
I can’t invite strangers to my apartment but they certainly enter my list of ORKUT friends

My kitchen is usually the dirtiest place in the house

I don’t feel like having pets because I don’t appreciate the fact they may not live long
Hate answer the door, the bell, cell phones, and E-mails

I simply can’t steal or fake out signatures any longer for I fear The idea of being arrested – never been – never will
Some say “Never say ‘never’”
But I say what I WILL NEVER DO.

Interesting fact - Some things have changed since I wrote this... Now I have got a pet and my cat has brought me more joy and the fact that she won't live long does not affect me at all. In fact, that is what is making me face life differently, that its frailty is needed to outcome our victories.

New Color Of Template/Oh Nelson!!! MSN can be very helpful!!!

The "Blue Blackground" was more like ME than I have ever been!!!

I don't know why I picked out blue but I just thought that inside of me something has been happening! So this blue would be the greatest representation of this so-called-THING!!!

Well, changing the template color was a last minute decision - to turn everything blue... So posting a conversation (msn chat) between a student of mine and me would do great for today's entry. "Di" is Sabrina Didoné and Headway is Me - Laila:


-=ÐÎ=- says: hey teacher!!!

headway says: hey

-=ÐÎ=- says: how are you?

headway says: I am fantastic

headway says: I am talking to an Iranian Moviemaker... His names is Mohammed and studies filmmaking in Iran!!!

-=ÐÎ=- says: uhhh, what an amazin' thing!!!

-=ÐÎ=- says: I discovered that Tibby is really no cio

headway says: Thanks! WE DID TOO

headway says: How could you find out???

-=ÐÎ=- says: my dad said the cats always do that

headway says: she's already 5 months

headway says: CIO = HEAT

-=ÐÎ=- says: yeah, she is old, ahahaha

headway says: nope...she's precoce

-=ÐÎ=- says: poor cat...

headway says: Beto acha que ela pode ter ficado pelo excesso de carinho de todos... teorias (Beto (Roberto) thinks that she (Tibby - the cat) is in heat because she is really loved here by all... Theories)

-=ÐÎ=- says: ahahahaha....could be

-=ÐÎ=- says: i can't answer the questions about the movie...I don't know nothing

headway says: hihihihihi

headway says: We are gonna discuss that orally

-=ÐÎ=- says: oh...much better

headway says: nobody needs to write anything

-=ÐÎ=- says: great!!!!! I'm happy now!!!

-=ÐÎ=- says: I saw at your blog that a person wrote a bad comment...what a stupid person!! do you know who could be?

headway says: hihihi yeah

headway says: I know

headway says: I student of mine whois crazy.. his name is Fernando

-=ÐÎ=- says: ohhh...was he just kidding?

headway says: yep... but at first I didn't know it was him so I started offending him

headway says: now it's a big joke

-=ÐÎ=- says: hehehehehe

headway says: he also left a terrible message on Tibby's scrapbook (ORKUT) ... later go there and check it you

headway says: he does that on purpose

headway says: he's about my age... his not a kid

-=ÐÎ=- says: crazy guy

headway says: he's not a kid

headway says: Oh no! I was not talking to the filmmaker from Iran... I am talking to an anthropologist from Pakistan

-=ÐÎ=- says: you talk to so many cool people

headway says: I get confused with those Arabic names

headway says: hihihihihi

-=ÐÎ=- says: hahahah

headway says: I like to be in contact with crazy friends hihihihi

-=ÐÎ=- says: heheheh

headway says: nope... he's not an anthropologist.. he is taking medical school and read about cultures as a hobby

-=ÐÎ=- says: hahahahah

headway says: this guy is very strange

-=ÐÎ=- says: I see

headway says: hihihihi

headway says: after knowing all these people, you are gonna say that YOUR ENGLISH TEACHER is crazy

headway says: ????

headway says: impossible

-=ÐÎ=- says: hehehe

headway says: You know why people think I am crazy????

headway says: people think that We are crazy... right???

-=ÐÎ=- says: sure

headway says: Because we live in a society that blames (condena) HAPPINESS... so they get confused, they mix HAPPINESS with MADNESS!!!! I can't be happy, that would be impossible. It is much more difficult to be happy than be sad. It's more difficult to have accumulated joy thoughts than ideas and experiences of sorrow and disappointments!!!

headway says: wow... I am gonna put that in my blog now

headway says: hihihii

headway says: Sabrina... can I do something that I have never done before???

-=ÐÎ=- says: of course...you're right...very right

-=ÐÎ=- says: do it

headway says: I will post this entire conversation in my blog... ok???

-=ÐÎ=- says: ok, do it...i don't have nothing to ESCONDER, ahahahha

headway says: If you authorize me, of course

headway says: HIDE = Esconder

headway says: Let's leave a message for the one who are going to read this then???

-=ÐÎ=- says: i'll coment there after!!!!!! i love the idea

headway says: I mean... the ONESSSSS

headway says: me too

-=ÐÎ=- says: sure

headway says: It's not my idea indeed. I am copying from another blog that I read a few weeks ago!

-=ÐÎ=- says: heheheh

headway says: At least I am honest

-=ÐÎ=- says: ok, i've already know the message that i'll leave from who will read that on you blog

headway says: go ahead

-=ÐÎ=- says: If you think that I'm crazy, think TWICE: maybe the crazy is you and you just
don't know it. The crazy people are much more happy, and enjoy much more the life. I am not crazy just because I don't like to do the same things of you...Think about it before to blame another people again!!!!!

-=ÐÎ=- says: it's your turn, teacher

headway says: let me see...

headway says: How can I beat this???

headway says: Let me think...

headway says: If your reading this and think I am crazy you are COMPLETELY right

headway says: hihihhi

-=ÐÎ=- says: hahahahah, i loved that

headway says: My mind went blank

headway says: what you said was too amazing for my poor senses

-=ÐÎ=- says: oh no..i can't believe in that...come on...think.....think...ehehehhe

headway says: Sabrina, you and Carol must be Jornalists!!! You girls have brilliant minds!!! I love all my students, Marina, Vanessa, Bruno, Felipe, Fernanda, Viny, Xambi, Dani, Guilherme, Camila, Bernardo, Rafael, Leonardo, Marcelo, Tailine, Lucía, Rayssa, Fernando... yeah even you FERNANDO BALDISSEROTO!!!!!! I like you allllllllllllllllllllllllll

-=ÐÎ=- says: all your students love you too teacher!!!

headway says: Anderson, o outro Guilherme, Marcus Vinícius, Mariana, outra Marina, Giancarlo, DUDA do meuy coração, Rayanne, Viníciu (irmão da Camila), Fernanda Afonso, Marcele, Eriquinho e Bruninho, Miguel, Cristine, Marcos Bassani de Nova Bassano. ( New Bassan ROCKS!!!), Viviane, Thaís Langhi (obrigada por ter vindo ao filme).!!!!

headway says: YEWF!!!!

headway says: I am forgetting the adult students... but then this would go longer

headway says: Let me post now!


The Pakistani guy we were talking about is called Sikandar Ali... I had to go through my ORKUT friend list to make sure about his name. And Mr. Ali, if you reading this, I bet you are shocked!!! HIHIHIHI!!!

At the moment I was editing this post, Doug entered msn, but I had to set as "BUSY" and I hope to talk to you after I finish publishing this...

Have a nice one everyone!

Be careful... you may have it and don't even know it

Ah! Enough of poetry. Oh Gosh, I have been going through some strange moment in my life. Odd symptoms have showed up and this makes obvious the fact that I came down with some kind of sickness. It's pretty weird but I haven't often felt like sleeping, but when I am in bed after trying hard to sleep, I don't feel like getting up. Even when I am hungry, I don't feel like cooking, and when I cook, I don't even think about clearing away the dishes from the table.

I've heard this disorder is called LSD - Lazyness Syndrome Disease. LSD is an illness that not many doctors are able to identify because it is highly contagious, so they shut down their offices even before their patients enter the room.

I found out my problem on Mother's day, a few weeks ago. Guess who didn't call her mother on a so important date like that? Why??? Because of pure lazyness. LSD is gonna kill me someday. I easily find myself dying for a glass of water however getting my ass off the sofa seems sort of an impossible idea. So, I'd rather keep thirsty.

And things keep getting more and more worrying... I am very fond of Internet and I love making friends through this engine, there is no news about it, the problem LSD has brought me can be seen on my ways to chat on the Internet too. It's scary and concerning: I have become dependent on emoticons (normally smiley faces depicting emotions or feelings) and those abbreviations. Making some expressions short by abbreviating is not helping my condition at all. Now when I need to say "by the way", I just hit BTW and the message is sent, or, if I want to send "hugs and kisses", a mere H&K will do. MSN Messenger, the chat service that I mostly use, has its own emoticons that come with this free software as soon as you download it. I just can't get enough of those in every single conversation - it's the end of an era. I may die and on my gravestone there will be a picture like this one:


In fact, I feel worse each day to an extent that I myself have started creating my own abbreviations. When I need to say "need a break because I am going pee" - I just type PTIME, it's so much faster and allows the LSD to realease its symptoms.

LSD - Lazyness Syndrome Disease is not curable as far as I am concern. It never gets any better. Actually, I have realized that taken some procedures can weaken its destructive power like: having black coffee, eating dark chocolate, and drinking up juices mixed with grinded Brazilian guaraná. After intaking those substances LSD reactions become less noticeable. Ah! I almost forgot an important fact, LSD seems to double its strength on Mondays. There are many mysteries related to this disease that are still under ongoing studies.

The Pawnshop will be a great sell...

WORDS I

WORDS ARE STROKES ON CANVAS
ARE NOTES IN MUSIC
ARE SHAPES IN OBJECTS
ARE BLOOD IN PEOPLE
WORDS CAN BE SHARP
AS SHARP AS RAZORS
CUT DEEPER THAN A FAST STAB
AND A STABBED SKIN IS A MIND FILLED WITH TRUE THOUGHTS
WRITTEN THOUGHTS RHIMING ON A CHEAP BAR NAPKIN
NAPKIN PLACED ON A DIRTY MAN'S LAP
WORDS CAN BE POWERFUL AND PAINFUL TOO
CAN HIT HARDER THAN A PUNCH
FISTED PUNCH OF DRUNK WANDERERS
WORDS CAN KILL
CAN MURDER LOVERS AT DAWN
CAN HURT AS BAD AS DEADLY SHOT GUNS
ALL BECAUSE OF THE EVIL THAT LIES IN EVERYONE
AND IT IS KEPT INSIDE
THAT EVIL THOUGHT WHICH CAN'T BE HIDDEN
CAN'T BE DISGUISED
WORDS CAN BE SPIT
CAN BE SAID AS IT WOULD WEIGH TONS
OFFEND THE SPINAL CHORD OF A PURE LISTENER
WORDS ARE MEANT TO DESTROY WHEN ONLY USED THAT WAY...

_____________________________________________________

W-O-R-D II

Words
Words that I like
Words that I hate
Words are my tools
Verses are my instruments
Poems are my sentiments
Expressed in verses and words
There are good words
There are useless verses;
Bad combination of good words
Some words are funny
Some are odd
Some are awkward
Some are not
Enjoy writing, saying, and
Making good use of them
They empower texts
They add to the context
Whatever may seem complex
Or just for a mere index
Take any word for instance
Any word, really!
Break it apart
Yeah! The word “fart”
Mess with it – you get “RAFT”
Add an extra “D” from “diarrhea”
Did you get what it is?
What is this all about…?
From fart to a soft breeze from the south
Words – word them all out.

The Pawnshop Project Continues...

Fine I

I am patient
But don’t push me.

Fine.
If that is the way you want it,
Here it comes

You’ll see it.

You’d better know how stupid you have been.
Your soul is soaked in lies and shallow expectations.
You say “Hello” – I don’t believe you

If anyone could unwrap you,
There would be nothing but dry veins.

I am patient
But don’t push me.

Your memo notes, bad hair, and food allergies…
They all hate me.
Your mouth is so full of teeth
And your finger toes… please, hide them.

I am patient
But don’t push me.

Your conversation becomes a drag…
My picture of you is a pile of puzzles,
Voices in the head,
and a desperation to be honest with your false truth.

You materialize all the creeps and odds of everyone’s life.

Ironically, it was important to have met you
You’ve fulfilled my need of inspiration when it comes to hatred poetry.

Fine.
Now, you don’t believe me.

I am still patient.
However you can no longer push me.

Grab a pen and a piece of paper because you might forget this:
“Stupid cow! Stupid cow!”
…Is that the reason you don’t eat meat then?
Fine.

-------------------------------------------------------

Fine II

You are a confounded nuisance
Stop pressuring me
Stop pestering me

You, candidate for the death row
You, prostrated body on sharp pointed nails
Conditional premise
Impossible hypothesis

Anyway
You’re crippled
Premature formed brain
Your sleazy appearance numbs my vision

However, you cannot scare me
You can’t dodge my thoughts
I am not dogmatic in matters of taste
But I won’t accept yours

Tempting
Talking me into it
Insinuations
No handcuffs are needed
Dead men tell no tales

I love my mind
And you should do the same for yourself

Can’t help if you don’t put up with my manners
Can’t help if life for you means struggling to cope with your bad mood

Poor you
Sad you
Endless Grief

Get a life
Get a grip
Get real