My Medications, Bipolar, and Spirituality

I don't know why I never took some time to write about this topic which has been present in my life since hubby was diagnosed with diabetes. It has been 7 years or longer. But I am not here to talk about his condition or his meds. Since I quit drinking, I've been taking psychiatric pills. It has been 5 years. I am racking my brain to remember all their names but here they are: Diazepam, Lexapro, Paxil, Depakote, Queropax, Quetiapina, Zoloft, and maybe others that I could not recall.

When I was little, I grew up seeing my parents taking those prescribed pills. I never questioned why they needed to take those. It never occurred to me that they would have a psychological disorder of some sort to be taking that medication. I pretty much believed that those were mere "sleeping pills" and that is probably what they believed too. Lack of sleep has been an important issue in my family.

My parents never woke us up to do anything else but going to school. Even if we had a road trip to drive off and the time mattered, I remember my parents saying: "Let the kids sleep,,, we can always hit the road later." That allowed me explore my dreams and night terrors as well. I used to be able to control my dreams, recall them in details, and I'd often register them in journals. I din't really know what it is to be up early on Sundays. I was never up in the mornings on no-school days.  Not falling asleep and never remembering the dreams became issues to me only later in life, in my adulthood; in my mid thirties.

We heir both the good genes and the bad ones from our parents. I inherited the teaching language genes and neurotic ones as well. I am bipolar and I learned about it after I had dropped out of my third colleg - psychology major. I have read some many books about bipolarity. Never would I guess I was reading about my own disorder. I studied about it. It had tests and papers on the subject. I did therapy for 3 years and a half. I saw two psychiatrists. Even though, it took me too long to realize that I had manias and depression episodes constantly, right at my face, and nothing ever rang the bell.

It was a year ago when I asked my doctor about my condition being bipolarity and she confirmed it. You see, those kinds of doctors avoid telling you what your problem is, especially right away, because there are wide possibilities on how our brains function. Furthermore, as it is somethig based on description of symptoms; and these symptoms aren't usually physical, easy to capture from x-rays like an injury, or right from our eyes like bruises. Let alone, psychiatrists cannot even prescribe the exact meds you need. They are always trying out new things and adjusting miligrams, and when it is best to take them, so that we can function. It is literally playing with our minds.

I have been now taking two medications. I take Quetiopatine before going to bed and Zoloft in the morning. I also took Depakote for three months to help me deal with people. I had a long terrible episode of depression this year. I had to be away from my work for several weeks in order to recover, however I got worse because my job turned upside-down. I became a mess. I was not able to clean or organize my stuff. I thought about suicide every day. Then I changed my staff and my attitude towards my mental problems. I decided to accept these issues as spiritual battles rather than psychological matters.

It was the turning point of the year: when hubby and I embraced spirituality. It is almost the end of September, it is almost spring in Brazil, therefore my nose gets runny every morning due to polen. I am sneezing non-stoppingly but I am in bed with my cats blogging about my meds. I am boosting my energy with a large cup of black coffee and a tall can of Lo-Carb Monster energy drink. Besides, today is a local holiday, so it is a Saturday that I am not working (woo-hoo).  I am about to pop a half of Zoloft now... Just did <|:0)

When I was little, I'd look at my parents' pills and think: "I am so glad I don't need these meds to help me sleep." Now I say: "I am so GLAD that these pills exist so that I can sleep and function properly the next day." It is better than depending on alcohol which is what people rely on to cope with their own demons. The worse is having alcoholics judging you for choosing the meds treatment. You see, what we do is called: TREATMENT. We treat diseases. We must not disguise them.

Avoid masking your problems!  Instead, embrace the good and the evil in you because this is the only way you can set yourself free.