Dear Laila,
I completely understand how you feel. I feel that way more often than I actually should, more than anybody should, to tell you the truth. I feel lonely up here too, there are friends, there are colleagues, classmates, my family, but it is not the same thing. I have my husband, my seven cats. But there is always something that I lack, some strange feeling of yearning, a veiled desire for being consumed by something/someone, a longing for fusion. I don't say that I am not happy with all that I have, I am, and very much, but there is something definitely missing. I try not to think about it, you know? Given that I don't understand this feeling that invades me more often than not, I just try to leave it somewhere inside, somewhere I can just pretend not to see. Maybe it's not only me, maybe it's not only you. I think that we feel that way because of the form with which our society has become. We don't have anything that is really, really solid nowadays. Everything is fluid and escapes us, there is nothing definite, nothing definitive. And I think I miss that. I miss what is concrete.
I also work at home. And sometimes it is really bad. Ok, I only have my translations to work with, but I cannot bring myself to have the discipline I need in order to keep the house tidy and study. I basically don't do anything. I feel more depressed than I actually confess. During the afternoons, I sleep. I cannot bring myself to keep my eyes open. My body just gets lazy and I need to sleep. I just need. I can't resist. It is stronger than I am. In the past, around three years ago, I used to feel so depressed that I just wouldn't leave the house. I didn't want to talk to people, I didn't want to see how the day was outside. I think College has saved me, so to speak. It is a commitment, something I have to do, that pushes me for leaving, for going outside. If I weren't studying at the moment, I would probably be considering life on Mars or something. At the same time that I love to study, I just can't stand it. And that because I just don't want to do anything.
Don't think you're alone on the suicide thing. And I don't think you're going to kill yourself. I mean, I've contemplated this possibility countless times. You have no idea how many. Nowadays it still haunts me. And I really can't say what keeps me from jumping off the ledge of a building, or slicing my wrists, for example. There are so many things I want to do, so many people I want to talk to, but when it comes to the action itself, I just freeze. I don't have the will to bring myself to do anything. I feel apathetic and go to sleep. EVERYDAY.
I haven't been drinking much lately. In the past I used to live my life as if I were on the verge of dying, as if everyday were the last one for me. Nowadays I'm trying to take it easy, especially because I don't have patience anymore. I don't feel that much like going out and partying, you know? But at the same time, I feel a bit dead inside. I've been struggling with my weight ever since I can remember. Today I went to Liberdade, a district in São Paulo where you can find all sorts of Japanese food, and ate more than a human being should be allowed to. Brought food home and ate all the sweets I could.
Where are you from? How did you end up in RS?
Maybe you're not ungrateful, maybe you just haven't been talking to the right people. I deeply believe that there is someone out there for me, I mean, someone that is going to be my friend forever. You know, that romantic ideal of the perfect friend? I wish I had one like that. I had deep rooted relationships of friendship in the past, but I've changed so much that I cannot relate to my old friends anymore. We've grown worlds apart, I cannot go back. I've learned so much and they seem to be in the same place I was ten years ago. I wish I had someone to talk to. REALLY TALK. Suddenly I have this feeling that I need to expose to the world but that I don't know how.
Maybe people like us feel like this because we have too much to give and don't know how. There are so many things exploding in my chest all the time. I have this need to devour everything and everyone I see, I want to give myself to everybody, I want o immolate myself at every second of the day. But there is nothing in return, I don't feel it. That's why I whither and die everyday, when I arrive here and see that, even though I have the love of my life by my side, I'm alone. Utterly alone. But then again, we are always alone. Nobody is able to see and know who we really are except ourselves. We were born alone and will die alone. Nothing can change that.
I know what you mean when you say you want to be admired. I have that need myself. Thankfully my husband compliments me all the time and I know he means it. I know of his adoration, I know everything. But during those moments in which I'm not feeling sorry for myself or when I'm not too petrified to do anything, I see myself differently. I see the magic worlds that exist within me, I notice my body, the way I walk, talk and go about doing my things. And I wish someone could see me through my eyes, could admire the little things I know I have and that I am sure are special. And I don't know if that makes sense. Today I'm not making sense at all. And this letter to you sucks. Today is one of those nights in which I feel my light is fading out. I feel terrible for eating as much as I did and I deeply wanted to vomit, to see if I could start over. Tomorrow is Saturday, another day for trying a new diet. I think it will always be like that.
I feel like I am letting life pass me by. Maybe it is because of the intensity with which I lived in the past. Maybe it is because that is the truth. I don't know. I can't say.
I know I need to start doing something. I need someone to kick me in the butt and give me some discipline. I think I need to go to martial school or something like that.
Write.
XOXO
A.
PS> This letter is going to be short and unrevised, so, sorry for the lack of sense. My hands are hurting me and tomorrow I have a lot of typing to do.
relacionada à esse chakra é o viloleta.
