Reposting old stuff...

For a while, I have turned my blog into a photo-blog and I don't give a damn about it... No!!! No, I haven't quit writing. I had just not felt well enough to spread the words here for you guys to read until today. After about a month not publishing anything in here, I took the decision to gather some words in order to release an obnoxious flame that has been burning and soring my heart. I hope these words will come out right and fit properly to what I've been going through.

This may not be a real problem. In fact, I do believe it is not a problem at all. It is a flame, as I've just said. In reality, It is an issue that I've dealt since I was expected to behave like a grownup. Don't know whether being a spoiled kid made me have a weak control over my speaking thoughts. Many times I say what crosses my mind. Very often, I splurge the words not knowing the consequences of them. After saying them aloud, I can't get a decent sleep over. I regret so hard afterwards. What scares me the most is that even knowing the consequences sometimes, I say them anyway. I hurt, I blow, I affect, and I know.

But worse than that is not having the guts to act or behave the way in which my words speak for me. I am just a person full of words, issues, and projects. Some even say that MY words are powerful. They fill the emptiness and turn whatever is hollow into PLENTY. Maybe they are powerful to move others but they are not helping me much. My words seem to depict a wrong picture of me. For instance, I am NO powerful at all. I'm a chicken shit loaded with dreams.

I've not grown up YET. I haven't been able to come up with my own decisions anymore. I haven't felt strong enough to take my own paths like I used to. I have not been capable to keep myself away from fears. Well, this whole situation has not been EASY...

Some changes will be made in my lifestyle so that I can put out this flame once and for all:

• Firstly, I need to take a break from MSN MESSENGER and ORKUT things for a little while. It's getting overwhelming and I've not been able to write these days just because of those addictive shits.
• Then, I need to read. Reading helps me write better. MSN and other internet activities of mine are demanding time from me and stealing my creativity away.
• I need to listen to music more.
• I need to take walks more often.
• I need to watch movies.
• I need to go to the movies.
• I need to play with TIBBY - well that i do all the time.
• I need to study languages more. I'm glad that at least I got back on my German studies. I'm a language teacher for crying out loud. It is more than required to keep my English knowledge fresh and updated.
• I need to handwrite my thoughts.
• I must concretely start working on my trip to GERMANY. I am planning to spend a month there so that I can finally study the language in a German spoken place! This thing demands time... And my staying online this much is delaying this PROJECT.
• And lastly, I need to post my words here more often. Even contradicting a little, blogging is part of my writing practice and I can't stop doing it for any reason in this world!!!

Hopefully after these changes that flame will quit burning soon... and my heart will then be healed.

PS- This entry was originally posted in September/2005