My Old T-Shirts

OLD ROCK BAND T-SHIRT

Old T-shirt
My favorite band’s name is on it
It’s ragged, torn, worn out
It’s ugly, shrunk, and fucked up

Old T-shirt
Many times I’ve betrayed you
Trying to donate you or simply passing you on
But I couldn’t
You’re just made for me

Your color, format, design
Old T-shirt of mine
I care for you so much to let you die…

Old T-shirt
Again, you want to go
Silverfish are destroying you
Holes, stains, stitches
Rotten fabric, dull prints


No way, I won't be giving you away
It’s comfy to sleep with you on
It’s a blessing that we just can go on

by Laila Chris - Feb. 2005

Curiosity Facts: I've still kept some of my old band T-shirts. The first one I ever bought was a long-sleeved black Rush T-shirt. I got it in 1990. Well, honestly, the very first musical T-shirt I've ever had was a yellow and green Run-DMC one - not rock though. I had stolen it from my dad... I still don't know how he'd gotten it. Probably he brought it from the US in the mid 80's. Then, of course I bought a Bob Marley one, also black. My father gave me a Nirvana one in 1991. The funny thing is that I've never liked that band. For some reason my father had thought I did. He had gotten that one in the USA too. After that I started collecting them: Sepultura, Sex Pistols, and many others.

List of some of the things I had seen during the day which caught my attention...

1) Tibby tapping her paws on my right foot trying to wake me up;
2)Threads of hair on my bathroom floor;
3) An easy recipe on TV that I won't certainly try even though it made me wish to;
4) A gardner cleaning my yard;
5) Dirty dishes piled up in the kitchen sink.
6) Too many fans working in one place.
7) Second-hand porn movies being sold in a second-hand bookstore - how filthy this is... yew!
8) A staircase in a building that would be wonderful in a black&white snapshot - that made me want a digital camera more than ever.
9) A baby child who is from an apparently Japanese heritage with blond spiky hair.
10) A box with fragrant little tiny colorful Korean erasers that looked so tidy in that clear plastic container that I was supposed to get it. Now I don't know what I am going to do with those.

My day hasn't finished yet. I still need to return two DVDs and teach one more class. Chances are that I will encounter more things that may catch my attention throughout this evening. After this long day, I'll eat cold pizza, pop up a beer, and enjoy my favorite Brazilian TV show, barefoot and resting my legs on a stool in front of the TV set. I'll for sure end up burping while laughing because that is what normally happens to me when I mix pizza dough and beer!

Damn, who's gonna buy those porn movies???

Orkutmaniacs

Orkut is a Turkish man who had a funny idea while was in college (Stanford, I guess). He felt that his school was too big and too cold and for those reasons people were not socializing much there. Guys who needed roommates didn't know where to look for them and recent graduates didn't know where to ad his/her cars, computers, or personal items which were for sale. He thought of a software of a possible college network where people would publish their profiles, expose their tastes for music, food, movies, book, and other general facts, besides exchange ideas and opinions in communities where people would share the same interests, the same anger, fear, traumas, sense of humour, etc. Google bought it and now it is the most growing network of acquaintances among Brazilians.

The funniest thing about ORKUT is that you can get to meet people from early moments in one's life - like me, for instance, who got to find Daniel Schauff, a former classmate of my first German course I'd ever taken in Brazil. Another great point about it is being found there too. Last week, it was my turn to be located. I was spotted by my blogger friend BULB... Gosh! That was a nice surprise. We even got to speak on MSN after that for hours. On the other hand, I now know that I owe him E80,00... Damn it! Orkut is nice, but if you owe friends money, it's better to become an Orkut Suicidal - that is how an ex-orkut member is called...

By a simple click on a link which says 'delete profile', a person's virtual world is banished from this planet - from its virtual part though - but vanished. Pretty much the same thing happens in any site or even here among bloggers. We can place an end to our virtual space by one click away. Then, done. Boom. Gone. Doomed. That orkutmaniac must rest in peace. No more blogs, comments, Orkut communities, and even making virtual friends. The End.

... but isn't life better when lived based upon real rooms and one-0n-one conversations??? Oh well, I'll never get to answer that question again. Once, I thought so. Once, I'd say - "virtual friendship?" - "how geek!" And now? I can only say that this world has given me the chance to blurt words out in the sense that I can really think before registering them. In other words, I don't speak my mind with my online friends - I write it. And from the fact that those words will be then registered, it gives me a more concrete feeling that they can trust me and I can get to trust them as well. Just some nut idea here...

... the solution ...the decision ...the stress

Well well... there has been a long time that i don't stop by this spot. Once again I kept myself away and this time I have concrete reasons for having done that. It is not that I will name these reasons here but I have been going through too much mess in my thoughts, my expectations for my future, and my life in general which have made me a little more secluded.

It is something that not many people can understand since I have always registered here that my life is beautiful, my job fulfills me, and my cat Tibby has been prettier than ever (little joke so I don't break the habit). The thing is that life is based on more than this. Maybe it is a human reaction to a lifestyle that hasn't brought much emotions to my needs.

A friend said once that my life is crappy and I was asked by him if I wanted to live like that for good. My answer was a straight and delicate 'fuck you' because I know the kind of life I've had, and I do know that if by any chance a change is needed, I am free to take any other direction to it. Later then, something caught my attention. I thought of that question over and it came to light that I am not free. Not that I am the only one imprisoned in the entire planet, but it was so right that my life is crappy. Or it is true that my life has been crappy.

I have been truly kept tied up and controled by others in many different ways. I have always been like that. My problem is that it took me too long to realize it. However it is never too late for a change. I need to change something serious in me.

Another friend said that my suffering is from being too "hearted"... and for that friend I could only be harsh and straight by saying - "You are so 'fucking' right". I am an easygoing, outspoken, joyful individual. People take advantage of me by being this way. On the other hand, there are others that get admired and attracted by these characteristics of mine. For being that sort of person was never a problem to me.

Ironically, all this have caused a torturing maze to my deep senses. I have been requested to answer to too important questions... I have been bombarded with decisions that may change the whole course of my life. How should I answer to those requests? Who should I trust to help me out here? Where should I find safe arms to be embraced? Me! Me! Me!

Another friend said that I should follow my wishes. This friend also said that we can never be afraid of reestarting things, no matter how strange or impossible they seem to be at first. Again, I am relying on others to take decisions or find solutions to my personal problems... Me, me, me... or speaking in a narrative context -- you, you... YOU are the only one who knows what is best for yourself, Laïla.

Why don't you listen to yourself if your voice has already come back??? Yeah! I really need to call myself and arrange a meeting to my alter-ego, ego, and Id and see what they all have to tell me??? These three forces that lie in me will have to come up with something better for my life. These three figures will have to be tangible and propose me something more concrete than dreams... One thing I know for sure, that I will listen to each one of them like I have never done before. And only then, I will find the solution, I will take the best decision, and get rid of this stressful period in my life ("lives").