Do I still know how to post on blogs?

I don't remember the last time I tried to write, for real, on this blog. You may wonder, "Doesn't she know that on top of each post there is the posting date?" Well, I know the day of my last public post. Anyone who blogs have got to know that, I guess. What I am saying is that I don't recall the last time I tried to write for real on this blog.

I mean, writing right, creatively, and powerfully. Have I ever written that way? Not sure. One thing I know for sure: I always start posts by dwelling on the writing process and I never enclose these kinds of thoughts. My plan is to talk/type about my last vacation and give an update on my latest discoveries on myself.

Vacation was okay. It was too short as usual. I am not gonna complain about it, actually. I got my tattoo before leaving for Sao Paulo. I was afraid I was not gonna get that done. However, it's there: colorful, charming, and neatly drawn on my left arm. And what about Sao Paulo? My home place was fine as usual. I didn't get to see my parents, though. I had some fun with Jennifer, my middle sister, and with a great friend of my mine called Jeronimo. There is this YouTube video of us having fun at bar at about 3:00 o'clock in the morning. I overdrank, overate, overslept, and over-enjoyed on my past vacation. Can't wait to have it again.

I have been back on business for the last two months already. More and more new students are getting to enroll in my school and that is scaring me a great deal. I am glad I am not going to teach all those guys. That also scares the hell out of me. I cannot allow things get screwed up. God, help us there, please.

Soon I'll be writing here about my trip to Europe. I am so going to study in Ireland by December this year. I won't give out much info for now since I am not really aware of all details of it. What I know is that I will be there.


The latest things I've figured about myself:

-I've found out I am an insufferable braggart when it comes to my school matters.
-I am NOT a blunt person.
-I criticize people.
-I am a little sarcastic.
-I ask a lot of questions in a conversation, to find out about people, their thoughts, etc.
-I rarely admit I am wrong about something when I am in a conversation.
-I make eye-contact and use body language in conversations.
-I generalize.
-I get personal with people in conversations; I may even gossip about a mutual friend.
-I compliment people spontaneously.
-I like to talk about myself. I am not a good listener. In short, I pretty much suck.
-I usually talk about personal problems, people, their way of being, hopes, desires, my family...
-I get personal when I write a letter to someone, but not face to face in a conversation.
-I help to keep a conversation flowing, however I am many times provocative, controversial, confrontational... That is my style.
-I like to get my say, get in a few comments, no matter what the topic
-I don't assert something, but I might preface a comment with "I think, I suppose, perhaps and even copy and paste other people's comments without their authorization"
-I talk a lot... No. I talk way too much.
-If I ask a question, it is generally a yes-no answer I am looking for
-I don't mind talking about a situation where I was embarrassed,humiliated and so on.
-I am never clear and that pisses my husband off
-I am gonna die some day.

Also check the links below...
http://thepawnbroker.blogspot.com/2005/07/15-random-thoughts-and-queries.html
http://thepawnbroker.blogspot.com/2006/01/i-just-wanna-know-why.html
http://thepawnbroker.blogspot.com/2007/03/random-thoughts-part-ii.html

Londrina.

I...

miss londrina

miss this man called fernando

miss college times

miss good music

miss good friends

once again, miss londrina

miss them all

I've got to stop lying to myself

"Tou beudo, mas tou centrado"
The sentence above was said by an acquaintance while drunk. It is in Portuguese, in broken language by the way. This fellow was found in a drunk state and said that to a friend of mine. The sentence means that he knew he was wasted yet he was able to be centered. Liar, liar. I have drunk since I was 16. I don't drink as much as I used to but I still practice it a lot and for this very reason I know that that quote is a lie. There is no way to be drunk and centered. I have got to cut down on alcoholic beverage intakes. I have got to lose weight. I've got to stop lying to myself.

I was reading this blog that said: "How stupid it is to post pictures of a pet cat. I don't give a damn about your cat, okay?" Hah! That was tough but true. Nobody cares about other people's pets especially when we are talking about strangers' blog photos of these bloggers' pets. I hope I made myself clear. The thing is all of us who blog care about no one but ourselves. That is what makes us bloggers. We enjoy writing about our own matters, about our loved ones, about our manias, obsessions, addictions of course, and about our pets. I have posted many things about my cat. Tibby is my only pet and she's pretty important in my life, read "my blog." Speaking back on that blog: I also read a comment saying that it is boring to see posts of food as well. The commenter wrote that noboby wants to see how nice the blogger's food plate was assembled. Oh well. Oh well. Oh Gee. I have already irritated people by posting photos of my dear pet cat but I have never bugged anyone with food photos?!?! Hah! There we go:

i am gonna last long enough to cover up my body with tons of tattoos

You Will Die at Age 79

You're pretty average when it comes to how you live... And how you'll die as well.

What Age Will You Die?

...me at a Brazilian Independence Day Parade in 1981

I delay but I carry out all my promises (I was only five at that time!)
PS: Check out this Lori's post. She's a way awesome blogger friend. What's left to say?

It is an old post, however so updated

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I live in Brazil. Yeah, yeah, yeah... It is carnival season again in this nation. When I first wrote about this subject was 2005 (link). We are in 2008 and nothing has changed about this crappy festival filled with crappy songs, crappy drunks, and tacky outfits, and stupid body moves that can be seen on the streets and on TV. Yew! Here's that old post being reposted:

"I never understood why there are jerks who travel all the way to Brazil to enjoy our CARNIVAL!!!

Carnival is a typical Brazilian thing when people are led to the streets to see out there parades, get wasted, and listen to live loud music performances. Everyone is supposed to dress up in costumes, put on masks if they will. They may wear wigs and even become androgenous figures if that suits them since the spirit of the party is to get out of control.

As I am not fond of these kinds of parties, when it gets to carnival season, I normally stay home having my hot herbal tea, sitting on my leather couch, glancing at the parades on TV filled with those naked tramps shaking their asses and showing their boobies hanging (I know someone who would strongly enjoy this.)

The fact that I don't like carnival and being a Brazilian citizen make me look weird among the folks down here. I don't really care about this in part because I am pretty much confident and also because I have got my personal reasons to dislike this so-called cultural event.

I remembered when I was first sent to a carnival ball (let me call that mess this way). My mom took me to this crowded place filled with so many idiots of all ages and races. Some of them seemed to be drunk, others seemed to suffer from epilepsy on their hips, and others looked like having cat allergy for rubbing their nose frenetically. To me, they were a bunch of imbecils dressed in funny clothes, dancing in circles as they were mice in a maze. That's how I saw them, taking into consideration that I was only 4 at that time.

My mom also got me a strange outfit which had a little kid's umbrella as an accessory. Besides looking just like the other idiots of that place, I had to carry that umbrella around wherever I went. That was a huge pain because I had trouble holding both the accessory and a cup of soda, and let me not forget, I was also carrying a munch that was bought from those suspicious club cafeterias. Mom had the wittiest idea, "hang your umbrella, sweety, onto this chair." Fine! The place was very stuffy, so the cold soda gave me a relief.

The music sounded insane. Those carnival marchs played by a poor-sounding orchestra started getting on my nerves. I was only 4, I insist, but I was old enough to distinguish between good musicians and crap asshole losers trying to make their living out of something it wasn't made for them. I was too young, too short, too embarassed to get in the mood for a hectic non-sense party: "what are these people so happy about?", I would ask myself that question many times.

I hadn't noticed that everything was going smoothly so far, until the moment my mom decided to push me to the crowd. She would say "Join them. Dance, honey. We are here to party, not to keep staring at them..." Gee, they were just like starving lions and I felt like a pound of fresh sirloin steak. I figured out:"nay-nay."I prayed so she wouldn't try again but then, a friend of mom grabbed me in the arm and dragged me to the crowd.

At the exact moment she did that, my hair got stuck in the wires of my little umbrella which was leaning against that empty chair mom had asked me to hang that stuff on, and not less ironically, the handle of the umbrella that had a hook-like shape embraced another chair. So picture that folks: a stupid middle-aged female human being had been pulling an innocent tot with non-well combed straight long hair stuck on a kid's umbrella hooked on those cheap plastic chairs for ten minutes going in circles in a crowd of hungry lions listening to horsecrap carnival music... yewf!

After that year, there were a few more intents to participate in such event, with some successful ventures I may say, but those were the years that I was reaching the youth times in my life. I had other purposes but being amused by freakos shaking their booties...

Curiosity fact - For those who may care, my scalp wound did not require any reconstruction surgery!"

by Michael Cuglietta

NO MORE

no more bottles of wine
turning my teeth purple
no more cigarettes
burning holes in my ashtray
no more sleeping in
til the afternoon
no more pornographic DVDs
no more calls
to phone sex lines
no more strip clubs
no more late night women
over bottles of
domestic beer
no more making love
without a condom
penetrating a drunken woman
whose name
I've not bothered to learn
no more flat screen television set
no more high speed internet
no more Sirius satellite radio
no more 30 gig ipod
filled to capacity
with stolen music
no more $500 navigation system
I'll learn to read a map

no more laptop computer
no more wireless card
no more 24 ounce
Styrofoam cup
filled with
convenience store coffee
lots of cream
lots of sugar

no more cheeseburgers
no more donuts
no more not exercising
no more gaining weight
no more getting winded
just walking up the steps
to my apartment
no more forgetting to take
my vitamins
no more putting off
my doctor's visits
no more excuses
no more getting up early for work
no more trips to the bank
no more paychecks to deposit
no more taxes to pay
fuck the IRS
tell my accountant
to go take a walk
no more stopping at
the post office
no more time-sensitive
legal documents
no more overnight
priority mail
no more business lunches
business cards
business meetings
business clothes
business conventions
business, business, business

no more space left in my head
no more loneliness
no more getting bored
no more fogged over mornings
no more standing naked
pissing alcohol
into my neighbor's potted plants
no more phone calls to the police
no more domestic disturbances
no more crying to my father
crying to my mother
crying to my sister

crying to any pretty girl
who will listen to me

the poet

Tibby was having fun in the car... Or maybe it was just me

KKKKKKKK

So many versions of me....

Anything else better to do when not working?

This is way stupid and it is way fun: http://www.morphthing.com/. The image is a merging picture of Maggie Gyllenhaal and Gisele Bundchen facial photos changed into some pop art design

My two sisters, myself, Beto and Tibby

Sounding like Borat: "Vacation is being a greeeaaaaat success!"

Thought of you as a bird
Or a little fragile cub
Thought of you as a cold breeze
Or blue as heavy rain
Thought of as a fraction of a second
You are all that and more…

Thought of your pictures as masterpieces
Photographs with rhythms
Thought of your pale hands holding the camera
Never thought of you as being brighter than the flash
Though wrong thoughts cross our mind every now and then

Your fuzzy lines
They’re exquisite
You shine
You sign

Thought of you as a fresh loaf of bread
As soft as molten snow
You are the seed of an endangered flower
Something that doesn’t happen every day
Someone one simply doesn’t let go away

Your art is direct
Nobel yearning for affection
Acceptance

Thought of you as the trace of human existence
Clear calm thunderstorms
Silent smooth earthquakes
The lenses seemed to be place backwards
The furiousness isn’t detached from kindness

There is no boredom
There are only impressions
There are no vague linear images
There is only intelligible beauty

If I could see them that way,
That means someone else could too.
That means, his eyebrows would elevate in awe
Because no matter what you say or do
It’s being made! Love is there!

You must realize the other side
You must see through the other person’s eyes
You should know that there are more than photographs saying: “Register me”

Finally, my tattoo has made it

Christmas without christmas tree

I appreciated this year. I know it ain't over yet but it is December now, holiday seasons are happening so it feels perfect to write about things like new year's resolution, bloopers of 2007, family, friend, and co-worker´s fights and end-of-the-year get-togethers. The list is endless. Not only it is the right time for these thoughts but also it is the time to restart writing on this blog. Since my last two months got me so overwhelmed, I was totally not able to sit and type. And even if I did, it would come out a bunch of complaints, nuissence, disappointments, rants after more rants. I believe I am getting calmer and calmer each day, therefore today is the day to blog. That does not mean I won't vent... You'll see...


I write things here because it is way harder to blurt out words through conversations. Writing under a pseudo "Ms Burden" has given me more privacy to leave words that I would not dare to say aloud. This blog has existed since October 2004 and since then many things have occurred in my life and some of them were mentioned here in some way. This spot was never intended to be an outlet for my deepest feelings, in fact when I first started writing THE PAWNSHOP I was expecting to set a place where I could register my literary projects which didn't happen. It turned out something quite different. It became the residence of my alter ego but only for the happy side of me. I wanted my online personality to be who I wished I were in real life: normal sad procrastinator. I never wanted any readers to know about my weakness. Therefore when I had typed about gloomy feelings, I'd have blamed on others for them.


And I know that if I am to be a sad left-out individual, the only responsible for it, the only one who has always promoted that was no one but me.


It wasn't much long ago when I had an online argument with my former collegemates. Through magic, I started receiving E-mails from a Yahoo-Group intended only to ex-collegemates which I used to be part of, but not anymore, and those E-mails would say about arranging a reunion to celebrate 10 years of our graduation. I hate reunions. I dislike meeting people whom I was never connected to and as we are older and living apart, now that we are grown-ups, we have to reunite and pretend we were good friends in the past. How cynical! I got pissed off for many reasons but the most important one was that I could never partake these get-togethers because they are always scheduled at those times of the year when a regular Brazilian teacher is at WORK. I do have vacation but vacation for me is never vacation for journalists, I guess. Yep, I majored in journalism. My mates are all journalists and I ended up doing something else.


And so I vented my anger by writing them only one E-mail in which I mentioned hyprocrisy, selfishness, stupidity and some other words that may have been a lot harsher than those I latter wrote. I was glad that I had talked about it then. I got more than glad that no matter how low I was feeling, and how upset I am still, I had to write those words in a very sincere style. Some former mates felt attacked as if I had typed that E-mail in order to point out certain people's behavior but I wasn't in fact disappointed at them or at any especial person in that matter. I was mad at the REUNION thing. Why reuniting? Why bringing back times that weren't much pleasant for me? I know this is a selfish thought. I can't help it! My mistake was not being able to connect to those folks while attending college, my mistake was to study in college what I would never become - a journalist. Taking journalism always made me feel a total stranger. Who would have thought that such a simple choice of major would mess up with my future? I have always wanted to write for crying out loud. I've always wished to have a book published but never wished to break news. That is why I started this webblog. Here I can find the right support. Here, I can write to these 'journalist' people without being punished or mistreated and... I will: JOURNOS SUCK!


I haven't mentioned some other disappointments regarding my family and co-workers, but that would result in another post because this one is already getting my mind numb. My co-workers are doing their best and I cannot block this fact. And my family... well... I know my family has always supported all my dreams. They are forever there for me, but what I didn't mention is that I also have a few friends and a wonderful husband who would do - and have done - anything to help me out in hard times. I know it was way selfish of me having written about such strong and upsetting feelings towards my former collegemates when I know that some of them were really nice with me during college years. We shared love, help, and care throughout those years. Especially Juliana De Mari who is now doing something else (she is definitely NOT a journalist) in some lost village in France, some place near Lion. We are going to see each other some time soon, either here or there. Read this Ju: "I miss you Juliana. I don't want to make you cry, you've been the bestest best friend anyone could ever ask for and I love you."


Throughout this year, I've had TERRIFIC TIMES, but also fights, misunderstandings, disappointments, just like last year and the other and the other... 2007 was/ has been great, regardless. I'll continue writing my story in this blogspot in 2008, 2009... as long as Blogger authorizes me to. Well, I do have great expectations for next year. I wish to make more friends in 2008. I can't be around Juliana as she's been living way far from me. So, I wish I could meet a friend whom I will go out with. It could be a person or a bunch of people who would help me out when I need it, or say kind words of support, or be understanding at all times. I wish to learn more about being an individual and writing about being this individual. We all are sick, mental, frustrated, and limited beings if we allow this to be true.


I appreciated this year.

Self-portrait Tuesday

Halloween was way fun...

have got business to do

http://pbf-halloweenball.blogspot.com/

Photos of my new hairdo...

The end of the year is getting closer...

Roberto (hubby) has found another hobby: holding a gun and pulling its trigger, in a sportish way, of course. From FISHING to SHOOTING! How proud I am (ironic laughs), ha, ha, ha! Well, at least he can imagine himself shooting people he hates.

What about my blogger hobby? I can't even come up with words to fill in the absence of posts on this blog. I am empty but I am not empty of words. I am not empty of ideas. And probably the lack of time isn't the best excuse for not having posted much lately. I've suffered from lack of organization.

The Halloween party was a super success but I could not feel it coming. The party was fantastic for all guests did have a real good time. It was even fantastic for myself. But at that moment, at that party moment, it was not well organized according to my taste.

It was not a small part-ay. We served foods and drinks for almost 100 people for nearly 8 hours (from 6:00 p.m. til 2:00 a.m.)! We offered loud DJ music and scary VJ scenes on walls. The place was quite nicely decorated. However, all that requires the efforts of many folks. That is exactly what got me disappointed. That is because I hate managing people. I hate the fact that I am not able to bitch or boss around. If I had had that terrible talent, things could have been perfect. But it ended up FINE (which is "okay" positive) somehow. I will soon post pictures of it. SOON!

Last October was a huge hassling month: my personal celebrations and the Halloween parties... AAAAWE!!!! In November, it starts the finale parties, Christmas decoration, get-togethers, final exams, Santa Drawings, and sorts. I hate this time of the year. It's worse than the early months. I just wanna run away and vacation has to finally arrive.

I wanna get a tattoo.
I wanna break less glasses.
I wanna sleep in.

Sunday is usually like this... But at this time, it was supposed to be WEDNESDAY

Halloween = 9th Anniversary