On a fine DOG

Friday, March 02, 2007 by Rain

And so...

I had my old dog put to sleep yesterday. And it hurt, more than I expected. Death reminds me of all the other deaths, opens up that well of grief, and I seem to cry for all that has ever gone wrong. I just cried like a child, much to my embarrassment at the vet's office. I went alone. I kept waiting for my husband to find the time to go with me, until I realized he never would. It made him too uncomfortable. He is squeamish and I won't hold that against him. I had to get the guy working on our house ( when is there not a guy working on our house?) to help me bury her.

It was important to me to bury her in the backyard, and part of the reason I didn't put her down in the middle of winter. I could not cope with the cremation option, and I changed my mind about wanting to be cremated myself. I just put her in the soft earth and that seemed okay.

The guy who dug the hole and helped me bury her was young. It was awkward because I didn't feel comfortable having a "funeral" with just me and him in the back of the property. So we just talked. He did such a precise job of constructing her burial plot that I was happy that he did it rather than my husband, who would have done it in a "just get this over with manner" . Squeamish. I am more determined to meet things head on.

I thanked him profusely for his help and he replied, "that's okay, I hope someone helps me do things when I am old" followed closely by, " not that you're old or anything" "it's okay", I said, " I am kind of old". Too old to dig a grave quickly anway.

I really don't know what I was thinking, nursing that dog for all these months. Tending to her, like hope itself. Refusing to let go of all she stood for. The last 16 years of my life. Arizona. My brother. My previous marriage. My youth. My dreams. I am really a silly fool, trying to fight off death.
There is a sense of relief that she is gone, and that her suffering is ended, and my suffering too.

I lost track of what a chore it had become to care for her. My other dogs are so easy, they just exist on a different level.

They keep looking over where her bed was, trying to figure out where she's gone.
I expected more of a reaction, actually they are calmer.

It rained after we buried her. It turned into a downpour. It rained all night. My heart ached while I tried to sleep. Literally, it ached. I miss her.