by Michael Cuglietta

NO MORE

no more bottles of wine
turning my teeth purple
no more cigarettes
burning holes in my ashtray
no more sleeping in
til the afternoon
no more pornographic DVDs
no more calls
to phone sex lines
no more strip clubs
no more late night women
over bottles of
domestic beer
no more making love
without a condom
penetrating a drunken woman
whose name
I've not bothered to learn
no more flat screen television set
no more high speed internet
no more Sirius satellite radio
no more 30 gig ipod
filled to capacity
with stolen music
no more $500 navigation system
I'll learn to read a map

no more laptop computer
no more wireless card
no more 24 ounce
Styrofoam cup
filled with
convenience store coffee
lots of cream
lots of sugar

no more cheeseburgers
no more donuts
no more not exercising
no more gaining weight
no more getting winded
just walking up the steps
to my apartment
no more forgetting to take
my vitamins
no more putting off
my doctor's visits
no more excuses
no more getting up early for work
no more trips to the bank
no more paychecks to deposit
no more taxes to pay
fuck the IRS
tell my accountant
to go take a walk
no more stopping at
the post office
no more time-sensitive
legal documents
no more overnight
priority mail
no more business lunches
business cards
business meetings
business clothes
business conventions
business, business, business

no more space left in my head
no more loneliness
no more getting bored
no more fogged over mornings
no more standing naked
pissing alcohol
into my neighbor's potted plants
no more phone calls to the police
no more domestic disturbances
no more crying to my father
crying to my mother
crying to my sister

crying to any pretty girl
who will listen to me

the poet

Tibby was having fun in the car... Or maybe it was just me

KKKKKKKK

So many versions of me....

Anything else better to do when not working?

This is way stupid and it is way fun: http://www.morphthing.com/. The image is a merging picture of Maggie Gyllenhaal and Gisele Bundchen facial photos changed into some pop art design

My two sisters, myself, Beto and Tibby

Sounding like Borat: "Vacation is being a greeeaaaaat success!"

Thought of you as a bird
Or a little fragile cub
Thought of you as a cold breeze
Or blue as heavy rain
Thought of as a fraction of a second
You are all that and more…

Thought of your pictures as masterpieces
Photographs with rhythms
Thought of your pale hands holding the camera
Never thought of you as being brighter than the flash
Though wrong thoughts cross our mind every now and then

Your fuzzy lines
They’re exquisite
You shine
You sign

Thought of you as a fresh loaf of bread
As soft as molten snow
You are the seed of an endangered flower
Something that doesn’t happen every day
Someone one simply doesn’t let go away

Your art is direct
Nobel yearning for affection
Acceptance

Thought of you as the trace of human existence
Clear calm thunderstorms
Silent smooth earthquakes
The lenses seemed to be place backwards
The furiousness isn’t detached from kindness

There is no boredom
There are only impressions
There are no vague linear images
There is only intelligible beauty

If I could see them that way,
That means someone else could too.
That means, his eyebrows would elevate in awe
Because no matter what you say or do
It’s being made! Love is there!

You must realize the other side
You must see through the other person’s eyes
You should know that there are more than photographs saying: “Register me”

Finally, my tattoo has made it

Christmas without christmas tree

I appreciated this year. I know it ain't over yet but it is December now, holiday seasons are happening so it feels perfect to write about things like new year's resolution, bloopers of 2007, family, friend, and co-worker´s fights and end-of-the-year get-togethers. The list is endless. Not only it is the right time for these thoughts but also it is the time to restart writing on this blog. Since my last two months got me so overwhelmed, I was totally not able to sit and type. And even if I did, it would come out a bunch of complaints, nuissence, disappointments, rants after more rants. I believe I am getting calmer and calmer each day, therefore today is the day to blog. That does not mean I won't vent... You'll see...


I write things here because it is way harder to blurt out words through conversations. Writing under a pseudo "Ms Burden" has given me more privacy to leave words that I would not dare to say aloud. This blog has existed since October 2004 and since then many things have occurred in my life and some of them were mentioned here in some way. This spot was never intended to be an outlet for my deepest feelings, in fact when I first started writing THE PAWNSHOP I was expecting to set a place where I could register my literary projects which didn't happen. It turned out something quite different. It became the residence of my alter ego but only for the happy side of me. I wanted my online personality to be who I wished I were in real life: normal sad procrastinator. I never wanted any readers to know about my weakness. Therefore when I had typed about gloomy feelings, I'd have blamed on others for them.


And I know that if I am to be a sad left-out individual, the only responsible for it, the only one who has always promoted that was no one but me.


It wasn't much long ago when I had an online argument with my former collegemates. Through magic, I started receiving E-mails from a Yahoo-Group intended only to ex-collegemates which I used to be part of, but not anymore, and those E-mails would say about arranging a reunion to celebrate 10 years of our graduation. I hate reunions. I dislike meeting people whom I was never connected to and as we are older and living apart, now that we are grown-ups, we have to reunite and pretend we were good friends in the past. How cynical! I got pissed off for many reasons but the most important one was that I could never partake these get-togethers because they are always scheduled at those times of the year when a regular Brazilian teacher is at WORK. I do have vacation but vacation for me is never vacation for journalists, I guess. Yep, I majored in journalism. My mates are all journalists and I ended up doing something else.


And so I vented my anger by writing them only one E-mail in which I mentioned hyprocrisy, selfishness, stupidity and some other words that may have been a lot harsher than those I latter wrote. I was glad that I had talked about it then. I got more than glad that no matter how low I was feeling, and how upset I am still, I had to write those words in a very sincere style. Some former mates felt attacked as if I had typed that E-mail in order to point out certain people's behavior but I wasn't in fact disappointed at them or at any especial person in that matter. I was mad at the REUNION thing. Why reuniting? Why bringing back times that weren't much pleasant for me? I know this is a selfish thought. I can't help it! My mistake was not being able to connect to those folks while attending college, my mistake was to study in college what I would never become - a journalist. Taking journalism always made me feel a total stranger. Who would have thought that such a simple choice of major would mess up with my future? I have always wanted to write for crying out loud. I've always wished to have a book published but never wished to break news. That is why I started this webblog. Here I can find the right support. Here, I can write to these 'journalist' people without being punished or mistreated and... I will: JOURNOS SUCK!


I haven't mentioned some other disappointments regarding my family and co-workers, but that would result in another post because this one is already getting my mind numb. My co-workers are doing their best and I cannot block this fact. And my family... well... I know my family has always supported all my dreams. They are forever there for me, but what I didn't mention is that I also have a few friends and a wonderful husband who would do - and have done - anything to help me out in hard times. I know it was way selfish of me having written about such strong and upsetting feelings towards my former collegemates when I know that some of them were really nice with me during college years. We shared love, help, and care throughout those years. Especially Juliana De Mari who is now doing something else (she is definitely NOT a journalist) in some lost village in France, some place near Lion. We are going to see each other some time soon, either here or there. Read this Ju: "I miss you Juliana. I don't want to make you cry, you've been the bestest best friend anyone could ever ask for and I love you."


Throughout this year, I've had TERRIFIC TIMES, but also fights, misunderstandings, disappointments, just like last year and the other and the other... 2007 was/ has been great, regardless. I'll continue writing my story in this blogspot in 2008, 2009... as long as Blogger authorizes me to. Well, I do have great expectations for next year. I wish to make more friends in 2008. I can't be around Juliana as she's been living way far from me. So, I wish I could meet a friend whom I will go out with. It could be a person or a bunch of people who would help me out when I need it, or say kind words of support, or be understanding at all times. I wish to learn more about being an individual and writing about being this individual. We all are sick, mental, frustrated, and limited beings if we allow this to be true.


I appreciated this year.

Self-portrait Tuesday

Halloween was way fun...

have got business to do

http://pbf-halloweenball.blogspot.com/

Photos of my new hairdo...

The end of the year is getting closer...

Roberto (hubby) has found another hobby: holding a gun and pulling its trigger, in a sportish way, of course. From FISHING to SHOOTING! How proud I am (ironic laughs), ha, ha, ha! Well, at least he can imagine himself shooting people he hates.

What about my blogger hobby? I can't even come up with words to fill in the absence of posts on this blog. I am empty but I am not empty of words. I am not empty of ideas. And probably the lack of time isn't the best excuse for not having posted much lately. I've suffered from lack of organization.

The Halloween party was a super success but I could not feel it coming. The party was fantastic for all guests did have a real good time. It was even fantastic for myself. But at that moment, at that party moment, it was not well organized according to my taste.

It was not a small part-ay. We served foods and drinks for almost 100 people for nearly 8 hours (from 6:00 p.m. til 2:00 a.m.)! We offered loud DJ music and scary VJ scenes on walls. The place was quite nicely decorated. However, all that requires the efforts of many folks. That is exactly what got me disappointed. That is because I hate managing people. I hate the fact that I am not able to bitch or boss around. If I had had that terrible talent, things could have been perfect. But it ended up FINE (which is "okay" positive) somehow. I will soon post pictures of it. SOON!

Last October was a huge hassling month: my personal celebrations and the Halloween parties... AAAAWE!!!! In November, it starts the finale parties, Christmas decoration, get-togethers, final exams, Santa Drawings, and sorts. I hate this time of the year. It's worse than the early months. I just wanna run away and vacation has to finally arrive.

I wanna get a tattoo.
I wanna break less glasses.
I wanna sleep in.

Sunday is usually like this... But at this time, it was supposed to be WEDNESDAY

Halloween = 9th Anniversary

...playing with my new Alfred Hitchcock suitcase in front of the webcam

Guess who would lecture that at an ESL vocabulary class?

My All Time Favorite Flick (...so far)

Tropa de Elite

Talking too much and partying too little

I've been kinda upset lately because I hate when I have the clear sensation of not doin' the right thing towards certain students. I am really outgoing and like those who are the same way. I can't stand shiness. If a student behaves this way, there is nothing in this world which will make me get my ideas across. How can I teach a kid how to speak in English if the person barely talks in Portuguese? How? Really, how? Sometimes I think I intimidate people who can't think or react quickly. Or maybe I intimidate people who don't seem to react at all. Sometimes I think that there are many parents who clearly don't keep communicatin' with each other about the things their own kids do at school, as either the mother or the father wants to protect their children by hiding from one another their kids' absences, or detentions, and sorts. I deal with students and parents who are not totally honest in that matter. And when I say too much, I listen to things that I don't deserve to. Something like: "you are not a good teacher because you are supposed to tell the students what they've got to do and how they've got to behave, and not the parents." Then, when I go through that, I feel that I am many times talking too much and hurting them for some reason or another. End of depressive times. Now, on the other hand, I am sorta excited. My school Halloween party is coming up and the arrangements have blown my mind in a nice way. This time, our party will be at a club, near the swimming pools, in a place built in the woods. Man, how neat! I love everything that evolves Halloween celebration: the decoration, costumes, treats, happy and scared kids, laughs, and goosebumps. I am so looking forward to seeing all my students and friends at this great event.

Conclusion...
Reader: Are you upset or excited, Laila?
Blogger: Who knows?
Reader: Is there anything else you would like to add on this post?
Blogger: There sure is. Happy birthday to you on Monday, the 15th!

My EMO toy

goosebumps

FLORK

I've been kinda depressed because I hate when I have the clear sensation of not doin' the right thing towards certain students. I am really outgoing and like those who are the same way. I can't stand shiness. If a student behaves this way, there is nothing in this world which will make me get my ideas across. How can I teach a kid how to speak in English if the person barely talks in Portuguese. Sometimes I think I intimidate people who can't think or react quickly. Or maybe I intimidate people who don't seem to react at all. Sometimes I think that there are many parents who clearly don't keep up with good communication skills. I deal with students and parents who are not totally honest with one another. Then, when I talk to them, I feel that I am many times talking too much and hurting them for some reason or another.

I am sad to know that your cat has got mono. Did you actually mean that part:~ He is now sleeping forever ~... that was scary, I guess. I hope he's fine.

Have a blast in Saint Petersburg.
While you are there, do me a favor, would you? I used to work in a Japanese restaurant on Isla Del Sol, which is an islet in Saint Pete (on the way to Saint Pete Beach) and I have no idea if that restaurant still exists, if it does, I don't know if the owners are still the same. The restaurant was located on Sunset Boulevard, at a shopping center. It is quite easy to get there. You drive south on I-275 and get exit 4. You'll continue straight ahead down on that exit, go past  Eckerd College, drive through a toll, a bridge, then you'll see the a shopping center parking lot on the right. if you can, do this huge favor to me. I'll deeply appreciate it.

Eat the worm burgers and have lotsa beer in Laila's tribute.

I have eaten a lot lately too, but not much fried stuff. I am a big eater and can't control that in me.

Keep reading my blog.
You take care and have a safe trip to Florida.